Helping Your Child Cope with Death: A Parent’s Age-by-Age Guide

One of the most heart-wrenching experiences for any parent is watching your child grieve.

Whether they’ve lost a grandparent, parent, sibling, friend, or even a beloved pet, seeing your child’s pain while carrying your own grief feels unbearable. You desperately want to protect them, to take away their hurt, to say the perfect thing that will make it all better.

But here’s the truth: You can’t take away their grief. And you shouldn’t try to.

What you can do is hold space for it, guide them through it, and help them develop healthy ways to process loss that will serve them for a lifetime.

I’m Lucy Cole, founder of Love Life Coaching & Events in Sutton Coldfield and an award-winning grief coach who specialises in children’s grief. I’ve supported countless families across Birmingham and the West Midlands through loss, and I’m also a mother myself. I understand the dual weight of parenting whilst grieving, and the desperate desire to “get it right” for your children.

This guide will help you understand how children grieve at different ages and what they need from you at each stage. Because children don’t grieve like adults, and knowing the difference changes everything.

How Children Grieve Differently Than Adults

Before we dive into age-specific guidance, it’s crucial to understand that children’s grief looks and feels different from adult grief.

Children Grieve in “Puddles” Not “Waves”

Adults often experience grief in waves, extended periods of intense sadness, followed by calmer times. Children, especially young ones, experience grief more like puddles: they’ll be deeply sad one moment, then playing happily the next.

This doesn’t mean they’re “over it” or don’t care. It means their developing brains can only handle grief in short bursts before needing a break. They’ll dip into the grief puddle, feel it intensely for a while, then hop out and play. Then dip back in later.

Parents often misinterpret this: “They seem fine, maybe they didn’t really understand” or “They were crying at breakfast but now they’re laughing, are they okay?”

Yes, they’re okay. This is normal children’s grief.

Children Often Express Grief Through Behaviour, Not Words

Young children especially may not have the vocabulary or emotional awareness to say, “I’m grieving and I feel sad, angry, and confused.”

Instead, grief might come out as:

• Tantrums and meltdowns
• Aggression or hitting
• Regression (bedwetting, thumb-sucking, baby talk)
• Clingy behaviour or separation anxiety
• Sleep problems or nightmares
• Changes in eating (eating too much or too little)
• Withdrawal or seeming “fine”

These behaviours are communication. Your child is telling you, “I’m struggling and I don’t know how to cope.”

Children Need Concrete Information (But In Age-Appropriate Ways)

Adults can handle abstract concepts like “passed away” or “they’re in a better place.” Children, especially young ones, need concrete, clear information:

❌ “Grandma went to sleep forever”
→ Could make child afraid to sleep

❌ “God needed Grandma in heaven”
→ Child thinks God is cruel for taking someone they love

❌ “We lost Grandad”
→ Child thinks you might find him again

✅ “Grandma’s body stopped working and she died. Her body can’t breathe, eat, or feel anymore. She can’t come back.”

It sounds harsh, but children need clear truth to understand what’s happened. Euphemisms create confusion and anxiety.

Children’s Grief Resurfaces at Different Developmental Stages

You might think your child has “processed” the loss, then two years later they suddenly seem to be grieving again. This is normal.

As children mature, they understand death differently:

• A 4-year-old might understand Daddy died but not grasp he’s never coming back
• At 7, that same child suddenly understands the permanence and grieves again
• At 13, they understand the long-term implications (Daddy won’t see me graduate, get married, etc.) and grieve again

Your child may grieve the same loss multiple times as they develop cognitive and emotional capacity to understand it more deeply.

Age-by-Age Guide to Supporting Grieving Children

Every child is unique, but understanding general developmental stages helps you know what’s normal and what they need.

Ages 0-2: Infants and Toddlers

What They Understand

Very little conceptually, but they feel everything emotionally.

Babies and toddlers can’t understand death, but they absolutely sense when something is wrong. They feel:

• Your stress and sadness (babies are incredibly attuned to caregiver emotions)
• Disruption to routines
• Absence of a familiar person (missing a parent, grandparent, or primary caregiver)
• Changes in the household energy

How They Show Grief

• Crying more than usual
• Changes in eating or sleeping
• Clingy behaviour
• Irritability
• Regression in development (if they were just getting easier, they might become difficult again)
• Looking for the missing person (toddlers might keep asking “Where Nana?” or looking for them)

What They Need From You

1. Maintain routines as much as possible

Routines = safety for babies and toddlers. When their world feels chaotic, routines anchor them.

Keep bedtime, meal times, and daily rhythms as consistent as you can, even whilst you’re grieving.

2. Physical comfort and presence

Your presence and touch communicate safety. Hold them, cuddle them, carry them more than usual. They need to know you’re there and they’re safe.

3. Simple, honest language (for toddlers)

If a toddler asks about someone who died:

“Grandad’s body stopped working. He died. He can’t come back. But we still love him and remember him.”

They won’t fully understand, but honesty prevents confusion.

4. Monitor your own emotions

I know you’re grieving too, but babies and toddlers need you to be as regulated as possible. It’s okay to cry, they need to see emotions are allowed, but try to have adult support so you can process your intense grief away from them when possible.

5. Expect regression and be patient

If your toddler was potty-trained and suddenly isn’t, or sleeping through the night and now wakes constantly, this is normal grief regression. Be patient. It will pass.

Ages 3-5: Preschoolers

What They Understand

Death is confusing and not fully understood as permanent yet.

Preschoolers are magical thinkers. They might think:

• Death is reversible (like cartoon characters who “die” and come back)
• Their thoughts or actions caused the death (“I was naughty, so Mummy died”)
• The person is alive somewhere else but just can’t visit right now
• Death is contagious (“If Grandma died, will you die too?”)

They also ask the same questions over and over, not because they forgot the answer, but because they’re trying to process something their brains can’t quite grasp.

How They Show Grief

• Asking repetitive questions (“Where’s Daddy?” “When is Daddy coming back?” every single day)
• Playing out death scenarios (don’t panic—this is how they process)
• Regression (thumb-sucking, wanting a bottle, baby talk)
• Tantrums and emotional outbursts
• Separation anxiety or clinginess
• Bedwetting or sleep problems
• Worried questions (“Will you die?” “Am I going to die?”)

What They Need From You

1. Concrete, simple explanations

“Grandma’s body stopped working. Her heart stopped beating. When someone’s body stops working, they die. They can’t breathe, eat, talk, or move anymore. Grandma died. She can’t come back, but we will always remember her.”

Avoid metaphors: 

❌ “Grandma went on a long journey”
❌ “We lost Grandpa”
❌ “Mummy’s gone to sleep”

2. Answer the same question 100 times patiently

When your child asks for the 47th time, “But when is Daddy coming back?” they’re not testing you. They’re trying to understand something incomprehensible.

“Daddy died. When someone dies, their body stops working and they can’t come back. I know that’s very sad. I’m sad too. We can remember Daddy together.”

3. Reassure them they’re safe

“I’m not going to die for a very, very long time. Most people live to be very old. I’m going to be here to take care of you.”

(Note: If you’re terminally ill yourself, this needs specialist support to navigate honestly whilst still providing what reassurance you can.)

4. Let them play and be children

Don’t expect them to sit sadly. They’ll grieve in bursts, then go play. This is healthy. Join them in play, it’s healing for both of you.

5. Address magical thinking and guilt

If they express guilt (“I was naughty, is that why Grandad died?”):

“No, sweetheart. Nothing you did or said or thought made Grandad die. You didn’t cause this. His body just stopped working because he was very sick. It’s not your fault at all.”

6. Use books

Age-appropriate books about death help. Some excellent ones:

• The Memory Tree by Britta Teckentrup
• Badger’s Parting Gifts by Susan Varley
• When Dinosaurs Die by Laurie Krasny Brown
• Always and Forever by Alan Durant

Ages 6-9: Early School Age

What They Understand

Death is permanent, but they’re still developing understanding of its universality and inevitability.

By this age, children understand:

• Death means the body stops working permanently
• The person can’t come back
• Death can happen to anyone (which can create anxiety)

But they’re still:

• Very concrete thinkers (need factual information)
• Processing the implications (what this means for their future)
• Developing understanding that everyone eventually dies (including them and you)

How They Show Grief

• Asking detailed questions about death (“What happens to the body?” “Where do they go?”)
• Concerns about their own death or your death
• School problems (concentration issues, falling grades, behaviour problems)
• Physical complaints (stomach aches, headaches)
• Anger and irritability
• Withdrawal from friends
• Regression in behaviour
• Seeming “fine” but then sudden emotional outbursts

What They Need From You

1. Honest, detailed answers (age-appropriate but truthful)

This age group wants to know details. They might ask uncomfortable questions:

• “What happens when you’re buried?”
• “Does it hurt to die?”
• “What happened to Mummy’s body?”

Answer honestly:

“When someone is buried, their body goes in a special box called a coffin and is put in the ground. The person can’t feel anything because they’ve died. Over time, the body becomes part of the earth.”

“We don’t know exactly if it hurts to die. Most doctors think that when people die from being very sick, their body is so tired that they don’t feel pain at the end.”

2. Include them in rituals and decisions (when appropriate)

Should you take a 7-year-old to a funeral? There’s no universal answer, but:

• Explain what will happen at the funeral beforehand
• Let them choose whether to attend (within reason)
• If they attend, have a trusted adult who can take them out if it’s overwhelming
• Create child-appropriate ways to say goodbye (drawing pictures, writing letters, releasing balloons)

3. Maintain routine and structure

School provides structure. Keep them going to school unless they’re genuinely too distressed. Communicate with teachers about what’s happened so they can be understanding and supportive.

4. Watch for grief affecting school

Grief affects concentration, memory, and behaviour. Talk to teachers. Your child might need:

• Extra patience with homework
• Extensions on assignments
• Time out of class if they’re upset
• Understanding if behaviour deteriorates temporarily

5. Normalise all emotions

“It’s okay to feel angry that Daddy died. It’s okay to feel sad. It’s even okay to feel happy sometimes, Daddy would want you to be happy. All your feelings are okay.”

6. Address anxiety about death

Many children this age become anxious about death, yours, theirs, everyone’s.

“Most people live for a very long time. You and I are healthy and we’re going to be okay. It’s normal to worry after someone dies, but we’re safe.”

If anxiety is severe or persistent, consider professional support.

Ages 10-12: Pre-teens

What They Understand

Death is permanent, universal, and inevitable, and they’re beginning to grasp the existential implications.

Pre-teens understand death cognitively like adults, but they’re still developing emotional maturity to cope with it. They:

• Understand death is permanent and everyone dies eventually
• Begin to think abstractly and philosophically
• Worry about the future implications of loss
• Feel deeply but may hide emotions to seem “grown up”
• May experience complicated feelings (relief if death ended suffering, guilt about that relief)

How They Show Grief

• Withdrawal and isolation (“I’m fine” when they’re not)
• Mood swings and irritability
• Risk-taking behaviour or rebellion
• Academic problems or loss of interest in activities they used to enjoy
• Physical complaints (headaches, stomach aches, fatigue)
• Mature questions about meaning, existence, God, life after death
• Worry about practical implications (“Will we have to move?” “Who will take care of us?” “Can we afford things now?”)

What They Need From You

1. Honest conversations

Pre-teens can handle real, honest conversations about death, grief, and the future.

“Yes, Mum’s death means things will change. We might need to adjust our budget. But we’re going to be okay. I’m going to make sure you’re taken care of.”

Don’t shelter them from age-appropriate reality. They can sense when you’re hiding things, which creates more anxiety.

2. Balance between independence and support

Pre-teens want to seem grown up and may resist coddling. But they still need support.

“I know you want to handle this on your own, and I respect that. But I’m here if you need to talk, cry, or just sit together. You don’t have to be strong all the time.”

3. Respect their coping style

Some pre-teens want to talk constantly. Others process internally. Don’t force them to talk, but make it clear you’re available when they’re ready.

“I’m not going to make you talk about this, but I want you to know I’m always here to listen when you want to.”

4. Watch for risky behaviour

Grief can manifest as acting out. Monitor for:

• Experimenting with alcohol, drugs, or smoking
• Sexual behaviour
• Aggression or fighting
• Reckless behaviour
• Self-harm

If you see these, seek professional support immediately.

5. Address big philosophical questions

“What happens after we die?”
→ Share your beliefs honestly, but acknowledge: “Different people believe different things. No one knows for sure. What do you think?”

“What’s the point of life if we all die anyway?”
→ “That’s a really big question people have thought about for thousands of years. I think the point is to love each other, make good memories, and try to make the world a little better. What do you think gives life meaning?”

6. Include them in family decisions

Where appropriate, let them have input:

• How to mark anniversaries or birthdays
• What to do with the person’s belongings
• How to honour their memory

This gives them some sense of control in a situation where they feel powerless.

Ages 13-18: Teenagers

What They Understand

Everything cognitively, but emotional regulation and coping skills are still developing.

Teenagers understand death as fully as adults. But their prefrontal cortex (decision-making, emotional regulation) is still developing, which means:

• They feel intensely but may lack coping skills
• Peer acceptance becomes more important (grief can make them feel “different”)
• They’re forming identity, and loss can profoundly impact who they’re becoming
• They understand long-term implications deeply (“My parent won’t see me graduate, get married, meet my children”)

How They Show Grief

• Withdrawal and isolation (spending hours alone in their room)
• Seeming not to care or being very stoic
• Intense anger or irritability
• Risk-taking behaviour (substance use, sexual behaviour, reckless driving)
• Academic problems (failing classes, skipping school)
• Physical symptoms (exhaustion, headaches, changes in eating)
• Depression or anxiety
• Existential questioning about meaning and purpose
• Pulling away from family or becoming clingy (oscillating between both)

What They Need From You

1. Space, but with clear boundaries and check-ins

Teenagers need privacy and independence, but they also need you to notice them and care.

“I’m giving you space because I know you need it. But I’m also going to check in regularly because I care and I want to know you’re okay. That’s non-negotiable.”

2. Honest, adult conversations

Talk to teenagers like the young adults they’re becoming:

“This is incredibly hard. I’m struggling too. We’re going to get through this together, but it’s going to take time. I need you to tell me if you’re really not okay, like if you’re thinking about hurting yourself or using drugs to cope. I won’t judge. I just need to know so I can help.”

3. Watch for warning signs of serious problems

Seek immediate professional help if you see:

• Talk of suicide or self-harm
• Substance abuse
• Severe weight loss or gain
• Complete withdrawal from friends and activities for weeks
• Failing all classes
• Reckless, dangerous behaviour

4. Respect their need for peer support

Teenagers often feel more comfortable talking to friends than parents. This is normal and developmentally appropriate.

Don’t take it personally. Make sure they have access to trusted adults (perhaps an aunt, uncle, family friend, teacher) if they won’t talk to you.

5. Help them maintain connection to the person who died

Teenagers might struggle with how to keep the person’s memory alive whilst also moving forward with their lives.

“It’s okay to keep living your life. Mum would want that. Living your life fully honours her, it doesn’t betray her. You can remember her and still be happy.”

6. Support but don’t smother

Teenagers need to know you’re there without feeling controlled.

Balance:

• “I’m here if you need me” + regular check-ins
• Giving space + insisting on family dinners a few times a week
• Respecting privacy + monitoring concerning behaviour
• Supporting independence + setting grief-related boundaries (e.g., no substance use, must attend counselling if needed)

7. Consider professional grief support

Many teenagers benefit from talking to a grief coach or therapist—someone who isn’t a parent, with no agenda other than helping them process.

At Love Life Coaching & Events, I work with teenagers using age-appropriate techniques. Sometimes young people open up to a neutral professional in ways they can’t with parents.

Universal Strategies for All Ages

Regardless of your child’s age, these strategies help:

1. Model Healthy Grief

Let your children see you grieve.

❌ “I have to be strong for my children, so I hide my emotions”
✅ “I let my children see me sad, so they know emotions are allowed”

What this looks like:

“I’m feeling really sad today because I miss Grandma. It’s okay to be sad. I’m going to cry for a bit, and then I’ll feel better. You’re allowed to be sad too.”

Children learn emotional regulation by watching you. If you hide all grief, they learn grief is shameful and must be suppressed.

Balance: Show emotions without overwhelming them with your grief. Have adult friends or a grief coach to process the deepest, hardest emotions.

2. Keep Communication Open

Create regular opportunities to talk (but don’t force it):

• Car rides (children talk more when you’re side-by-side, not face-to-face)
• Bedtime (darkness and quiet often open conversations)
• During activities (walking, cooking, playing)
• Family rituals (Sunday dinners, weekly check-ins)

Questions to ask:

• “How are you feeling about [person] today?”
• “Is there anything you want to ask me about what happened?”
• “What’s the hardest part for you right now?”
• “What helps when you’re feeling sad?”

3. Keep Their Memory Alive

Talk about the person who died. Share memories. Look at photos. Celebrate birthdays and holidays in their honour.

Don’t avoid mentioning them because you’re worried it will upset your child. Silence sends the message that the person must be forgotten, which is more painful.

4. Maintain Routines

Routines = safety. Keep bedtimes, meal times, school routines as normal as possible. This provides stability when everything else feels chaotic.

5. Watch for Regression and Be Patient

Children often regress when grieving:

• Bedwetting after being dry
• Wanting a bottle after being weaned
• Baby talk
• Separation anxiety

This is temporary. Respond with patience and compassion, not punishment.

6. Let Them Be Children

Children need permission to:

• Play and have fun (doesn’t mean they don’t care)
• Be happy sometimes (doesn’t mean they’ve “gotten over it”)
• Not think about death constantly (doesn’t mean they’re in denial)

“It’s okay to go play. You’re allowed to have fun even though you’re sad. Grandpa would want you to be happy.”

7. Create Memory Rituals

Simple rituals help children process grief:

• Light a candle on special days
• Release balloons with messages
• Plant a tree or flowers
• Create a memory box with photos and special items
• Visit the grave or a meaningful place
• Make a photo album or scrapbook together
• Donate to charity in their name

When to Seek Professional Help for Your Child

Most children process grief with family support. But sometimes professional help is needed.

Seek help if your child:

• Shows no emotion at all for weeks (severe suppression)
• Has prolonged, intense grief that doesn’t ease at all after several months
• Talks about death constantly or expresses wishes to die
• Shows signs of depression (persistent sadness, loss of interest in everything, sleep/eating changes)
• Experiences severe anxiety or panic attacks
• Regresses significantly and doesn’t improve
• Has behaviour problems at school or home (aggression, defiance, destruction)
• Isolates completely and won’t engage with family or friends
• Shows symptoms of PTSD (if death was traumatic)

At Love Life Coaching & Events, I provide children’s grief coaching in Birmingham and Sutton Coldfield:

• Age-appropriate techniques (play, creativity, conversation)
• NLP and gentle hypnotherapy for children
• Support for children aged 5-18
• Parent guidance and family sessions
• Trauma-informed approaches for sudden or violent loss

Children often open up to a grief coach in ways they can’t with parents. It’s not a reflection on your parenting, it’s just that sometimes children need a neutral, safe person to help them process.

Taking Care of Yourself So You Can Care for Them

Here’s something crucial that many grieving parents forget: You cannot pour from an empty cup.

If you’re drowning in your own grief whilst trying to support your children, you’ll burn out. Then nobody gets support.

You need:

• Your own grief support (coach, therapist, support group)
• Time to process your grief away from your children
• Adult friends or family who can hold space for your deepest pain
• Breaks (even brief ones)
• Permission to struggle

Your children need you to be okay enough to parent them. Getting support isn’t selfish, it’s essential.

This is why at Love Life Coaching & Events, I offer family support where I work with both parents and children, helping the whole family navigate grief together.

You’re Doing Better Than You Think

If you’re reading this, searching for ways to help your child through grief, you’re already doing something right. You care. You’re trying. You’re looking for information.

That’s exactly what your child needs.

You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to have all the answers. You don’t have to fix their pain.

You just have to be there, be honest, be patient, and let them grieve in their own way and time.

Children are resilient. With loving support, they can process grief and grow into healthy, emotionally intelligent adults who know how to handle life’s inevitable losses.

And I’m here to help both you and your child navigate this journey.

Get Support for Your Grieving Child

If your child is struggling with grief, or if you need guidance on how to support them, professional help makes a significant difference.

At Love Life Coaching & Events in Sutton Coldfield, I offer:

• Children’s grief coaching (ages 5-18)
• Parent guidance sessions
• Family grief support
• Age-appropriate techniques including play, creativity, and conversation
• Trauma-informed approaches for traumatic loss
• Support for all types of loss (not just death)

I work with children experiencing grief from:

• Death of parent, grandparent, sibling, or friend
• Divorce or family separation
• Serious illness in the family
• Pet loss
• Moving house or changing schools
• Any significant loss or change

Contact me to discuss how I can support your family:

📞 Call or text: 0121 387 3727
🌐 Visit: www.lovelifecoaching-events.co.uk
📧 Email: lucy@lovelifecoaching-events.co.uk
📍 Clinic: The Vesey, Private Hospital, Unit 3, Reddicap Trading Estate, Sutton Coldfield, B75 7BH

Serving Birmingham, Sutton Coldfield, Four Oaks, Boldmere, and the West Midlands. Online sessions available UK-wide.

Your child doesn’t have to navigate grief alone. And neither do you.

Frequently Asked Questions

Should I take my child to the funeral?
This depends on the child’s age, the nature of the funeral, and their wishes. Generally, children 5+ can attend if they want to and are prepared for what to expect. Have a trusted adult available to take them out if needed. Children under 5 may find funerals confusing or frightening.

My child doesn’t seem sad, should I be worried?
Not necessarily. Young children especially grieve in bursts, not continuously. They might also be processing internally or not yet understand the permanence. Watch for behaviour changes rather than expecting constant sadness.

How do I tell my child someone has died?
Use simple, clear, honest language: “Grandma’s body stopped working and she died. She can’t come back. I know this is very sad.” Avoid euphemisms like “passed away” or “gone to sleep.” Allow them to ask questions and express emotions.

What if my child asks if I’m going to die too?
Be honest but reassuring: “Everyone dies eventually, but most people live for a very long time. I’m healthy and I plan to be here taking care of you for many, many years.” This balances truth with reassurance.

My child is acting out, is this grief?
Very likely. Children often express grief through behaviour rather than words. Tantrums, aggression, regression, and defiance can all be grief responses. Respond with compassion and consider whether they need more support processing their emotions.

When should I seek professional help for my grieving child?
If grief significantly impacts their daily functioning for more than a few months, if they talk about wanting to die, show no emotion at all, or if you’re worried about them, seek professional support. Trust your instincts, if you’re concerned, get help.

About the Author

Lucy Cole is the founder of Love Life Coaching & Events and an award-winning Grief Coach (Prestige Awards 2024/25 – Central England) based in Sutton Coldfield, Birmingham.

Lucy specialises in children’s grief coaching, supporting families across Birmingham and the West Midlands through loss. As both a professional grief coach and a mother, she understands the unique challenges of parenting whilst grieving and helping children process loss in healthy, age-appropriate ways.

Lucy uses trauma-informed, gentle approaches including play, creativity, conversation, and child-appropriate NLP techniques to help children understand and express their grief. She also provides parent guidance, helping adults support their grieving children whilst managing their own grief.

Qualifications: Grief Recovery Specialist | Master NLP & Hypnotherapy Practitioner | Personal Evolutionary Coach | Life, Health & Emotional Health Coaching | CBT Practitioner | Trauma-Informed Coach (in training)

Lucy launched Love Life Coaching & Events in 2020 to provide compassionate, expert support for families navigating grief and loss.