Healing After Divorce: Understanding and Overcoming Divorce Grief

When my marriage ended in 2015, well-meaning people told me: “At least they didn’t die. You’ll get over it.”

But here’s what they didn’t understand: Divorce IS grief. And in some ways, it’s harder than bereavement.

When someone dies, you grieve them once. When someone divorces you (or when you leave) you grieve them every day they’re still alive but no longer yours. You grieve the life you planned together, the future you envisioned, the person you thought they were, and the version of yourself who believed in that relationship.

And then everyone expects you to “move on” quickly because “they’re not dead.”

I’m Lucy Cole, founder of Love Life Coaching & Events in Sutton Coldfield and an award-winning grief coach. I specialise in helping people heal from all types of loss, including divorce, which I’ve personally navigated.

My divorce wasn’t just painful. It was devastating. It came during the worst period of my life: my mother was dying of brain cancer, my business was failing, and my marriage was collapsing. What followed was a four-year legal battle that nearly destroyed me financially and emotionally.

But I survived. I healed. I rebuilt my entire life. And I want to help you do the same.

In this guide, I’ll share what divorce grief really looks like, why it’s so uniquely painful, and how to heal and move forward. Not by “getting over it,” but by building a new life you actually want to live.

Why Divorce Is Grief (Even Though They’re Not Dead)

Let’s be clear: Divorce is legitimate grief.

You’re not being dramatic. You’re not weak. You’re grieving multiple losses at once:

What You’re Actually Grieving When You Divorce:

1. The person you loved (or thought you loved): Even if the relationship was toxic, you’re grieving the good parts, the person you fell in love with, and the connection you once had.

2. The future you planned together: Growing old together. Raising children. Retirement. Travel. All those dreams, gone.

3. Your identity as a married person: You’re no longer someone’s wife or husband. Your identity shifts, and that’s disorienting.

4. The family unit: If you have children, you’re grieving the intact family. Even if divorce is better for everyone, it’s still a loss.

5. Financial security: Divorce is expensive. You might lose your home, standard of living, or financial stability.

6. Shared friendships and social circle: Friends often “pick sides.” Your social life fractures. You lose people you thought would always be there.

7. Your belief in love and marriage: If this relationship failed, can you trust yourself to choose better next time? Can relationships even work?

8. The life you built together: Your home. Your routines. Your shared memories. The cozy coffee shop you went to every Sunday. All of it reminds you of what you’ve lost.

9. Time and years invested: If you were together for years or decades, you’re grieving all that time. It feels wasted (even though it wasn’t—you learned and grew).

10. Your self-esteem and confidence: Divorce often leaves you questioning: “What’s wrong with me? Why wasn’t I enough?”

That’s not one loss. That’s TEN major losses happening simultaneously.

And society expects you to just… get over it quickly? Because they’re not dead?

No. Divorce is grief. Profound, complex, devastating grief.

Why Divorce Grief Is Often Harder Than Bereavement

I’ve experienced both, my parents’ deaths and my divorce. And whilst I would never want either again, divorce was harder in several ways:

1. There’s No Finality

When someone dies, there’s a funeral. A clear ending. Painful, but definitive.

With divorce, especially if you share children, there’s no clean ending:

• You still see them at school events
• You communicate about schedules, money, and children
• You see them moving on, dating new people, being happy
• Every interaction reopens the wound

You can’t fully grieve someone who’s still in your life.

2. Grief Is Complicated by Anger and Betrayal

Bereavement grief is usually pure sadness and loss.

Divorce grief is tangled with:

• Anger (at them, at yourself, at the situation)
• Betrayal (if there was infidelity or dishonesty)
• Rejection (feeling unwanted or replaced)
• Bitterness (about how things ended)
• Guilt (if you were the one who left)

These emotions complicate and prolong the grieving process.

3. Society Dismisses It

When someone dies, people rally around you. They bring food, send flowers, give you space to grieve.

When you divorce, people often say:

• “You’re better off without them”
• “At least you can move on and find someone better”
• “At least you don’t have to deal with them anymore” (if you do share children, this is particularly unhelpful)
• “It’s for the best”

They minimise your pain. And that makes grief lonelier.

4. You Might Still Love Them

With death, you’re not conflicted. You loved them, they’re gone, you miss them.

With divorce:

• You might still love them whilst also knowing the relationship was wrong
• You might hate them but still miss aspects of them
• You might feel relief but also profound loss
• You might wish things were different whilst knowing they can’t be

This emotional conflict is exhausting and confusing.

5. Your Children Are Suffering Too

If you have children, you’re watching them grieve whilst trying to hold yourself together. You’re:

• Managing their pain alongside your own
• Navigating co-parenting with someone you’re hurt by
• Trying to be civil when you’re heartbroken
• Feeling guilty that you’ve “broken” their family

This adds immense pressure and complicates your ability to grieve.

6. You Have to Keep Functioning

When someone dies, you often get bereavement leave. People understand if you can’t work for a while.

With divorce:

• You still have to go to work
• Pay bills (often with less money)
• Care for children
• Navigate legal proceedings
• Make huge life decisions whilst emotionally shattered

You’re expected to function normally whilst your world is collapsing.

My Personal Divorce Story

Let me share my experience because I think it will resonate with many of you:

The Context: Multiple Losses at Once

I left my husband in October 2015. Two days before my mother died from brain cancer.

She’d been ill for 20 years, and watching her decline was agonising. My stepfather and I spent every day with her in the final months. I was emotionally shattered.

My marriage hadn’t been right for years. We lacked emotional connection. When I miscarried on New Year’s Day earlier that year, my husband didn’t provide the support I needed. We grew apart.

When my mum’s condition worsened, I realised: life is short. I couldn’t stay in a relationship where I felt emotionally alone.

So I left. Two days later, my mother died. Twenty-nine days after that, my stepfather died suddenly from a heart attack. A broken heart.

Within one month, I lost my entire family unit: my marriage, my mother, my stepfather, my marital home.

The Divorce Battle: Four Years of Hell

What I thought would be a straightforward divorce became a four-year legal nightmare.

The financial settlement was brutal:

• Contested in court for years
• Legal fees drained what little savings I had
• My rental property business failed (I couldn’t maintain it whilst grieving and divorcing)
• I was forced to sell assets below market value
• Bankruptcy loomed

Emotionally, I was destroyed:

• Grieving my parents
• Grieving my marriage
• Fighting in court
• Watching my business collapse
• Facing financial ruin

I coped in unhealthy ways:

• Partying excessively
• Drinking too much
• Jumping into rebound relationships
• Anything to avoid feeling the pain

I was stuck in survival mode (fight, flight, freeze) for years.

The Turning Point

It took me years to accept that I needed help. I couldn’t do it alone.

I enrolled in coaching training. I started healing my own grief and trauma. I learned about the nervous system, trauma responses, and healthy coping mechanisms.

Slowly. Very slowly. I rebuilt.

• Rebuilt my finances (once the settlement was finally agreed in 2019)
• Rebuilt my career (launching Love Life Coaching & Events in 2020)
• Rebuilt my identity (figured out who I was outside of being a wife)
• Rebuilt my life (created something better than before)

It took nearly 7-8 years from separation to feeling truly healed.

And even now, I have moments of grief. But they’re gentler. Less consuming.

I share this because I want you to know: If I can rebuild after that level of devastation, so can you.

The Stages of Divorce Grief

Divorce grief often follows similar stages to bereavement grief, but with unique complications:

1. Shock and Denial

“This can’t be happening. We can work this out.”

Even if you initiated the divorce, there’s often shock that it’s really happening.

What this looks like:

• Numbness or feeling disconnected
• Going through motions on autopilot
• Hoping they’ll change their mind
• Minimising the reality (“We’re just separating temporarily”)

For me: Even though I left, I was in shock. Everything was happening at once—Mum dying, leaving my husband, my stepfather dying. I was numb for months.

2. Anger

“How dare they do this to me? I hate them!”

Anger often dominates divorce grief more than bereavement grief.

What this looks like:

• Rage at your ex (especially if there was betrayal)
• Anger at yourself (for choosing them, for not leaving sooner, for staying too long)
• Fury at the injustice (legal system, financial impact, how they treated you)
• Irritability and snapping at everyone

For me: I was furious. Angry at my ex for not supporting me emotionally when I needed him. Angry at the legal system for dragging out the divorce. Angry at myself for staying so long in an unhappy marriage.

3. Bargaining

“If only we’d tried harder. Maybe there’s still a chance.”

This stage involves a lot of “what if” thinking.

What this looks like:

• Replaying the relationship, looking for what went wrong
• Wondering if you could have saved it
• Fantasising about reconciliation
• Beating yourself up for not doing things differently

For me: “If only I’d communicated better.” “What if we’d gone to counselling earlier?” “Maybe if I’d been less stressed about Mum, we could have reconnected.”

None of it mattered. The relationship was over. But bargaining kept me stuck for a while.

4. Depression and Sadness

“I’m heartbroken. My life is ruined.”

This is the deep grief stage. Profound sadness about what you’ve lost.

What this looks like:

• Crying frequently
• Feeling hopeless
• Loss of interest in activities
• Fatigue and low energy
• Questioning if you’ll ever be happy again
• Loneliness and isolation

For me: About two years after separating, the anger lifted and I was left with crushing sadness. I’d sleep for hours. Everything felt pointless. I didn’t know who I was anymore.

5. Acceptance and Rebuilding

“This happened. I can’t change it. Time to build a new life.”

Acceptance doesn’t mean you’re happy about the divorce. It means you’ve accepted reality and are ready to move forward.

What this looks like:

• Making peace with what happened
• Forgiving yourself (and maybe them)
• Feeling hopeful about the future
• Rediscovering who you are
• Building a life you actually want

For me: Acceptance took years. But once I reached it, I felt lighter. I wasn’t carrying the weight of the marriage anymore. I was free to create something new.

Note: Like all grief, divorce grief isn’t linear. You’ll bounce between stages. That’s normal.

The Unique Challenges of Divorce Grief

1. Co-Parenting Whilst Grieving

If you have children, you’re forced to interact with your ex regularly whilst you’re heartbroken.

This is incredibly hard:

• You have to be civil (for the children’s sake)
• You see them regularly (reopening wounds)
• You coordinate schedules whilst emotionally devastated
• You watch them parent your children in ways you might not agree with

Strategies that help:

• Keep communication brief and focused on logistics only
• Use email or co-parenting apps to minimise direct contact
• Don’t speak badly about your ex to the children (even when tempted)
• Seek therapy or coaching to process your anger away from the children
• Create clear boundaries about what you will and won’t discuss

2. Financial Devastation

Divorce is expensive. Legal fees, splitting assets, potentially supporting two households.

Common financial stressors:

• Losing your home
• Reduced standard of living
• Legal fees draining savings
• Debt from the marriage
• Worrying about providing for children
• Starting over financially in your 40s or 50s

What helped me:

• Accepting help from family (my father supported me financially)
• Being ruthlessly practical about money
• Letting go of the house and material things (they’re just things)
• Focusing on rebuilding income
• Seeking financial advice

Money stress compounds grief. Be gentle with yourself. Financial recovery takes time.

3. Social Isolation and Lost Friendships

Friends often “pick sides” or feel uncomfortable around you.

You might experience:

• Friends distancing themselves
• Losing couple friends (they stay friends with your ex)
• Feeling like a third wheel around married friends
• Social invitations dropping off
• Judgment from people who don’t understand

What helps:

• Reach out to friends explicitly: “I need support right now”
• Accept that some friendships won’t survive (painful but true)
• Build new friendships with other divorced people who understand
• Join support groups or communities
• Don’t isolate yourself even when you want to

4. Dating Again (And the Fear That Comes With It)

Eventually, you might want to date again. But divorce leaves you with trust issues.

Common fears:

• “What if I choose wrong again?”
• “Can I trust my judgment?”
• “What if I get hurt like this again?”
• “Am I even lovable?”
• “How do I date after years of being married?”

My experience: I dated too soon. I jumped into rebound relationships to avoid feeling the pain. This delayed my healing.

What I learned:

• Heal first, date later
• Don’t rush into new relationships
• Work on yourself so you don’t repeat patterns
• Learn to recognise red flags early
• Be honest with new partners about your healing process

There’s no timeline for when you’re “ready” to date again. Trust your gut.

5. Identity Crisis: Who Am I Without Them?

After years of being “we,” you suddenly have to figure out who “I” am.

This feels destabilising:

• Your routines were built around your marriage
• Your identity included being someone’s spouse
• Your plans involved them
• You don’t know what you like anymore (separate from what they liked)

Rebuilding identity involves:

• Trying new activities alone
• Rediscovering old interests you abandoned
• Setting goals just for yourself
• Learning to enjoy your own company
• Creating new routines and rituals
• Answering: “Who do I want to be now?”

This is actually an opportunity. You get to create yourself from scratch. It’s terrifying, but also liberating.

Healing From Divorce: Practical Strategies

1. Allow Yourself to Grieve (Really Grieve)

Don’t rush your healing or suppress your emotions.

You need to:

• Cry when you need to cry
• Feel angry without acting on it destructively
• Let yourself be sad
• Process the loss rather than avoiding it

What doesn’t work:

• “Getting over it” by dating immediately
• Numbing with alcohol, drugs, or other substances
• Pretending you’re fine when you’re not
• Rushing into a new relationship

You’ve got to feel it to heal it. (One of my favourite sayings, and it’s true.)

2. Process Your Anger Healthily

Anger is normal in divorce. But holding onto it keeps you stuck.

Healthy ways to process anger:

• Physical exercise (running, boxing, intense workouts)
• Journalling (write angry letters you never send)
• Therapy or coaching (talking through it safely)
• Screaming in your car or into a pillow
• Smashing something safe (old plates, ice cubes)

Unhealthy ways:

• Taking it out on innocent people (children, new partners, friends)
• Vindictive behaviour towards your ex
• Holding grudges indefinitely
• Letting anger consume your life

Eventually, you need to release the anger. Not for them, but for you.

3. Forgive (For Your Own Peace, Not Theirs)

Forgiveness doesn’t mean:

• What they did was okay
• You have to reconcile
• You have to be friends
• You have to forget

Forgiveness means:

• You’re releasing the hold they have on your emotions
• You’re choosing your peace over your resentment
• You’re no longer letting them control your happiness

This takes time. You can’t force forgiveness. But when you’re ready, it’s liberating.

I forgave my ex. Not for him, but for me. I didn’t want to carry bitterness for the rest of my life.

4. Rediscover Who You Are

Use this time to figure out who you are outside of being someone’s spouse.

Questions to explore:

• What do I enjoy doing alone?
• What did I give up when I got married?
• What have I always wanted to try?
• What values matter to me now?
• Who do I want to become?

Try new things:

• Take a class (art, cooking, language)
• Travel somewhere you’ve never been
• Join a club or group (hiking, book club, volunteering)
• Pursue a hobby you abandoned
• Invest in personal development

This is your chance to reinvent yourself.

5. Set Boundaries With Your Ex

Clear boundaries are essential, especially if you’re co-parenting.

Boundaries might include:

• Communication only about logistics (no personal discussions)
• Using email or co-parenting apps instead of constant texting
• Not discussing your dating life with them
• Not allowing them to guilt or manipulate you
• Saying no to requests that aren’t in your best interest

Boundaries protect your emotional wellbeing.

6. Build a Support System

Don’t isolate yourself.

Reach out to:

• Friends who don’t judge
• Family who support you
• A therapist or grief coach
• Support groups for divorced people
• Online communities

You need people who understand and validate your pain.

7. Focus on Physical Health

Grief depletes you. Divorce stress is intense. Your body needs support.

Prioritise:

• Sleep (even if it’s difficult)
• Nutrition (eating regularly, healthy foods)
• Exercise (releases endorphins, reduces stress)
• Hydration (dehydration worsens fatigue)
• Limiting alcohol (it worsens depression)

I know self-care feels impossible when you’re in survival mode. Start small. Just one healthy choice a day.

8. Create New Routines and Rituals

Your old routines were built around your marriage. Create new ones.

Examples:

• Sunday morning coffee and journalling (instead of couple’s brunch)
• Solo cinema trips or meals out
• New bedtime routine
• Different ways to spend holidays
• Fresh traditions that are just yours

New routines help signal to your brain: This is a new chapter.

9. Seek Professional Support

Divorce grief is complex. Professional help accelerates healing.

Consider:

• Grief coaching (for emotional processing and moving forward)
• Therapy (especially if there was trauma or abuse)
• Divorce recovery groups or programmes
• Financial advisors (to rebuild stability)
• Legal support (to navigate proceedings fairly)

At Love Life Coaching & Events, I specialise in divorce grief recovery using trauma-informed approaches, NLP, and hypnotherapy. I help you process the grief, release the anger, and rebuild your life.

10. Don’t Rush Into a New Relationship

I made this mistake. I jumped into relationships too soon to avoid feeling the pain.

It delayed my healing.

Take time to:

• Heal and process the divorce
• Learn from what went wrong
• Rebuild your self-esteem
• Figure out what you actually want in a partner
• Work on yourself so you don’t repeat patterns

When you’re ready, you’ll know. Don’t rush it.

Co-Parenting After Divorce: Navigating Shared Custody Whilst Grieving

If you have children, co-parenting adds another layer of complexity.

Supporting Your Children Through Divorce

Children grieve divorce too. They’re losing the family unit they knew.

What children need:

• Honesty (age-appropriate explanations)
• Reassurance (both parents still love them)
• Permission to love both parents (don’t make them pick sides)
• Stability (routines, consistent rules)
• Space to express their feelings

What children don’t need:

• To hear you badmouth the other parent
• To be used as messengers between parents
• To be burdened with adult details (finances, infidelity)
• To feel responsible for either parent’s happiness
• To witness conflict between parents

For more guidance, see my article: “Helping Your Child Cope with Death” (strategies apply to divorce grief too).

Effective Co-Parenting Strategies

1. Keep communication child-focused

• Only discuss logistics and the children’s needs
• Don’t discuss your personal life or feelings
• Be businesslike and respectful

2. Use technology to minimise contact

• Co-parenting apps (OurFamilyWizard, Cozi, etc.)
• Email for non-urgent matters
• Text only for immediate logistics

3. Create parallel parenting if needed

• If you can’t co-parent cooperatively, parallel parent
• Minimal communication
• Each parent makes decisions during their time
• Focus on consistency for children

4. Manage transitions thoughtfully

• Keep handovers brief and neutral
• Consider public meeting places if conflict is high
• Don’t grill children about the other parent’s home
• Allow children to settle without interrogation

5. Be flexible when possible

• Life happens—be willing to adjust schedules when reasonable
• Model compromise and cooperation for children
• Remember: flexibility benefits the children

When Divorce Grief Becomes Complicated

Sometimes divorce grief becomes prolonged or severe. This is called complicated grief.

Signs you might need additional support:

• Years have passed and grief intensity hasn’t lessened at all
• You’re unable to function in daily life
• You’re obsessed with your ex (constantly checking social media, driving by their house)
• Severe depression or anxiety
• Suicidal thoughts
• Substance abuse to cope
• Inability to move forward with your life at all

If you recognise these signs, please seek professional help immediately.

Crisis resources:

• Samaritans: 116 123 (24/7)
• NHS Mental Health Crisis Line: 0800 915 9292
• Your GP can refer you to mental health services

Life After Divorce: Rebuilding and Thriving

Here’s what I want you to know: Life after divorce can be better than life during the marriage.

I’m not saying the divorce was “good” or that you needed it to happen. But once you’ve healed, you can create a life that’s more authentically you.

What Life After Divorce Can Look Like:

Freedom:

• Freedom to make decisions without compromise
• Freedom to pursue interests your ex didn’t support
• Freedom from walking on eggshells
• Freedom to be fully yourself

Growth:

• Stronger sense of self
• Clearer boundaries
• Better understanding of what you need in relationships
• Deeper self-love and self-respect

New Possibilities:

• Career changes you couldn’t make before
• Travel and adventures
• New friendships and communities
• The possibility of healthier love in the future

Peace:

• No more conflict or tension at home
• Calm and stability
• Your own space and routines
• Control over your environment

My life now is unrecognisable from my marriage. I’m happier, healthier, and living with purpose. I have a business I love, a partner who supports me emotionally, and peace.

You can have this too.

Moving Forward: Practical Next Steps

If you’re in the midst of divorce grief right now, here are practical steps:

Immediate (This Week):

1. Find one person you trust and ask for support
2. Schedule a therapy or coaching session
3. Create one new routine (morning coffee, evening walk)
4. Write down your feelings (even if just a paragraph)

Short-Term (This Month):

1. Join a support group or online community
2. Start one form of exercise (walking counts)
3. Set one boundary with your ex
4. Try one new activity alone

Medium-Term (Next 3-6 Months):

1. Work with a grief coach or therapist consistently
2. Rebuild social connections
3. Focus on financial stability
4. Begin exploring who you want to become

Long-Term (Next Year):

1. Build a life you genuinely love
2. Consider dating when you’re ready (not before)
3. Create new traditions and rituals
4. Help others going through divorce

Healing is gradual. Be patient with yourself.

You Will Get Through This

I know right now it feels impossible. You’re heartbroken, exhausted, maybe financially devastated, possibly navigating co-parenting whilst grief-stricken.

But I promise you: This will not destroy you.

You are stronger than you know. You will survive this. And eventually (maybe not this year, maybe not next year, but eventually) you will build a life that’s even better than before.

You’re not just surviving divorce. You’re creating an opportunity to become the person you were always meant to be.

And I’m here to help you through it.

Get Support for Divorce Grief

If you’re struggling with divorce grief and need support healing and moving forward, I’m here.

At Love Life Coaching & Events in Sutton Coldfield, I offer:

• Divorce grief recovery coaching
• Trauma-informed support for relationship breakdown
• Help processing anger, betrayal, and loss
• Guidance rebuilding your identity and life
• Co-parenting support
• Preparation for healthy future relationships

I’ve been where you are. I know how devastating divorce grief is. And I know how to help you heal.

Contact me:

📞 Call or text: 0121 387 3727
🌐 Visit: www.lovelifecoaching-events.co.uk
📧 Email: lucy@lovelifecoaching-events.co.uk
📍 Clinic: The Vesey, Private Hospital, Unit 3, Reddicap Trading Estate, Sutton Coldfield, B75 7BH

Serving Birmingham, Sutton Coldfield, Four Oaks, Boldmere, and the West Midlands. Online sessions available UK-wide.

Your marriage ended. Your life didn’t. Let me help you rebuild something even better.

Frequently Asked Questions

How long does it take to heal from divorce?
There’s no set timeline. Generally, expect 1-3 years to feel significantly better, though healing continues beyond that. Factors include: length of marriage, circumstances of divorce, whether you have children, and whether you seek support.

Is it normal to still love my ex even though we’re divorced?
Absolutely. Love doesn’t disappear immediately just because a relationship ends. You can love someone and also know the relationship wasn’t right. These feelings will fade over time.

When is it okay to start dating again?
When you’ve done significant healing work, feel emotionally stable, and genuinely want to date (not just avoid being alone). There’s no magic timeline, but most experts suggest waiting at least 6-12 months post-divorce.

How do I stop obsessing about my ex?
Limit social media stalking (block or unfollow them), stay busy, redirect your thoughts when you catch yourself obsessing, and work with a therapist or coach. Obsessing is normal initially but should decrease over time.

Will I ever trust anyone again?
Yes, but it takes time and healing work. The key is processing why the relationship failed, learning to recognise red flags earlier, and rebuilding your self-trust first.

How do I handle seeing my ex with someone new?
This is incredibly painful. Allow yourself to feel it, talk to supportive friends, avoid social media stalking, remind yourself their new relationship isn’t about you, and focus on your own healing journey.

About the Author

Lucy Cole is the founder of Love Life Coaching & Events and an award-winning Grief Coach (Prestige Awards 2024/25 – Central England) based in Sutton Coldfield, Birmingham.

Lucy specialises in divorce grief recovery, drawing from her own painful experience of a four-year divorce battle that occurred simultaneously with her mother’s death from brain cancer, her stepfather’s sudden passing, business failure, and near bankruptcy. She understands intimately the devastation of divorce—the anger, betrayal, financial stress, identity crisis, and the long road to rebuilding.

After navigating her own healing journey, Lucy now helps others heal from divorce and relationship breakdown using trauma-informed approaches, NLP, hypnotherapy, and compassionate coaching. She supports individuals in processing grief, releasing anger, rebuilding identity, and creating lives they genuinely love.

Qualifications: Grief Recovery Specialist | Master NLP & Hypnotherapy Practitioner | Personal Evolutionary Coach | Life, Health & Emotional Health Coaching | CBT Practitioner | Trauma-Informed Coach (in training)

Lucy launched Love Life Coaching & Events in 2020 to provide specialist support for complex grief, including divorce, bereavement, trauma, and relationship breakdown.