Navigating Grief During the Holidays: A Survival Guide for Christmas

Christmas is supposed to be magical. The adverts tell you it’s the most wonderful time of the year. Everyone around you seems to be planning celebrations, buying presents, and looking forward to time with family.

But if you’re grieving, Christmas might feel like a cruel joke.

The empty chair at the dinner table. The stocking you can’t bring yourself to put away. The traditions that now feel impossible. The forced cheerfulness when you feel shattered inside. The well-meaning questions: “What are you doing for Christmas?” when you honestly don’t know if you can face it at all.

I’m Lucy Cole, founder of Love Life Coaching & Events in Sutton Coldfield and an award-winning grief coach. I’ve navigated Christmas without my mother, without my stepfather, during divorce, and through profound loss. I know the pain of the holidays when grief is raw.

And I want you to know: However you feel about Christmas this year, it’s valid. Whatever you choose to do (or not do) is okay. You don’t have to perform joy you don’t feel.

This guide isn’t about “making the best of it” or “finding the silver lining.” It’s about surviving. And if you can find moments of peace, or even fleeting joy, alongside your grief, that’s beautiful. But survival is enough.

Let’s talk honestly about navigating grief during the holidays and Christmas specifically.

Why Christmas Is So Hard When You’re Grieving

Before we get to strategies, let’s acknowledge why the holiday season is particularly brutal for grievers:

1. Christmas Is Built on Tradition: And Traditions Remind You Who’s Missing

Every tradition you’ve built over the years now has a gaping hole in it. Who carves the turkey? Who always burns the Christmas pudding? Who gives the terrible jumpers as jokes? Who stays up late on Christmas Eve with you?

The absence is everywhere.

When my mother died, Christmas lost its magic. She was the one who made it special—the decorations, the cooking, the excitement. Without her, it felt hollow. I’d find myself going through the motions, but everything reminded me she wasn’t there.

2. Society Demands Happiness at Christmas

“Merry Christmas!” “Season’s greetings!” “Joyful tidings!”

When you’re grieving, this forced cheerfulness feels suffocating. You’re expected to smile, celebrate, and “get into the spirit” when you’re barely holding yourself together.

The cultural pressure to be happy makes grief feel even more isolating.

3. Everyone Else Seems Fine (They’re Not, But It Feels Like They Are)

Social media is full of perfect families, elaborate dinners, smiling faces. Meanwhile, you’re dreading the day. You feel like the only one who can’t cope.

You’re not the only one. Many people are struggling. But grief makes you feel uniquely alone.

4. “Firsts” Hit Harder

The first Christmas without someone is often the worst. Every single thing is a painful reminder: the first time decorating without them, the first Christmas morning, the first dinner, the first Queen’s Speech you watch alone.

But even subsequent Christmases can be hard. Sometimes the second year is harder because the shock has worn off and the permanence truly sinks in.

5. Family Dynamics and Expectations

Family members grieve differently. Some want to carry on as normal. Others can’t face it. Arguments happen. Tensions rise. People say insensitive things. You feel obligated to show up when you’d rather hide.

And if the person you lost was the peacekeeper or the glue holding the family together, Christmas might feel chaotic without them.

6. Time Slows Down and Speeds Up

The weeks leading up to Christmas drag on with anticipatory dread. But then Christmas Day itself can feel surreal—both endless and over too quickly. You’re simultaneously desperate for it to end and terrified of it passing because that feels like leaving them further behind.

Your Holiday Grief Survival Guide

Here are practical, compassionate strategies to help you navigate Christmas while grieving. You don’t have to do all of these—choose what resonates and leave the rest.

1. Give Yourself Permission to Do Christmas Differently (Or Not at All)

This is the most important strategy: You don’t have to do Christmas the way you’ve always done it.

You don’t have to:

• Host dinner if it feels overwhelming
• Attend every party or gathering
• Decorate your entire house
• Buy presents for everyone
• Pretend you’re fine
• “Make it special” for others
• Follow traditions that hurt too much

You have permission to:

• Skip Christmas entirely (go away, treat it like a normal day)
• Scale down drastically (simple meal, no decorations, minimal fuss)
• Create entirely new traditions
• Say no to invitations
• Leave events early
• Cry throughout the day
• Do whatever you need to survive

I remember the first Christmas after my mother died. I couldn’t face our family traditions. Instead, I did something completely different. Something that didn’t carry memories of her absence. It wasn’t “better,” but it was bearable. And bearable was enough.

2. Communicate Your Needs Clearly (Even If It Feels Uncomfortable)

People can’t read your mind. If you don’t tell them what you need, they’ll either assume you want everything “normal” or they’ll tiptoe around you awkwardly.

Be specific:

Instead of: “I’m fine, don’t worry about me.”
Try: “I’m not fine, and I’m not sure I can do Christmas dinner this year. Can we talk about alternatives?”

Instead of: “Whatever you want to do is fine.”
Try: “I need Christmas to be low-key this year. Can we do a simple lunch instead of the big traditional meal?”

Instead of: “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Try: “I’m struggling, and I need you to know I might need to leave early or step away if it gets overwhelming.”

Sample scripts:

“I know you’re excited about Christmas, but I’m really struggling this year. I need us to scale back significantly. Can we do [specific alternative] instead?”

“I appreciate the invitation, but I’m not up for celebrations this year. It’s not personal—I’m just trying to survive. Thank you for understanding.”

“I need permission to talk about [name] during Christmas. Pretending they didn’t exist makes it harder for me.”

“I might cry during dinner. Please don’t try to comfort me or make it stop. Just let me feel what I’m feeling.”

Boundaries are not selfish, they’re essential.

3. Plan Ahead (But Hold Plans Loosely)

Not knowing what to expect can increase anxiety. Having a loose plan helps, but don’t lock yourself in.

Questions to consider:

• Where will you be on Christmas Day?
• Who will you be with (or do you need to be alone)?
• What time will things happen?
• What’s your exit strategy if you need to leave?
• What will you do if grief overwhelms you?
• Who can you call if you need support?

Make a “grief emergency kit” for Christmas:

• Phone numbers of supportive friends/family
• Grief coach or therapist contact info
• List of coping strategies that help you (breathing exercises, walking, journalling)
• Comfort items (photos, letters, meaningful objects)
• An excuse ready if you need to leave (“I’m not feeling well, I need to go”)

But also: Allow yourself to change your mind. If you commit to dinner and then can’t face it, that’s okay. If you plan to stay home alone and then realise you need company, that’s okay too.

Grief is unpredictable. Your needs might change hour by hour, and that’s completely normal.

4. Honour Your Loved One’s Memory Intentionally

Ignoring their absence doesn’t make it hurt less. Acknowledging them can actually bring comfort.

Ways to honour them at Christmas:

Create a memory space:

• Light a candle in their honour
• Display their photo with Christmas decorations
• Keep their stocking hung (or create a special memorial stocking)
• Leave an empty chair with their name card (if this brings comfort, not pain)

Include them in conversation:

• Share memories and stories about past Christmases
• Toast them before dinner
• Talk about their favourite Christmas traditions
• Ask others to share their favourite Christmas memories of your loved one

Continue meaningful traditions:

• Cook their signature Christmas dish
• Play their favourite Christmas songs
• Watch films they loved
• Donate to charity in their name
• Do something they would have wanted you to do

Create new rituals:

• Write them a letter on Christmas Eve
• Visit their grave or a meaningful place on Christmas morning
• Make a memory ornament for the tree
• Release a balloon or lantern with a message
• Plant a Christmas tree in their memory

One of my clients lights a special candle every Christmas morning and spends a few quiet moments remembering her husband. She says, “I tell him about what’s happening in our children’s lives, and then I blow out the candle and try to get through the day. It’s simple, but it helps.”

5. Set Social Media Boundaries

Social media during the holidays can be torture when you’re grieving. The perfect families, the happiness, the celebration, it’s all a painful contrast to your reality.

Protect yourself:

• Take a break – Deactivate or delete apps from 20th December to 2nd January
• Mute or unfollow – Temporarily hide people whose posts trigger you
• Limit scrolling – Set time limits on apps
• Don’t compare – Remember: social media shows highlights, not reality
• Post honestly (or not at all) – You don’t owe anyone a “Merry Christmas” post

And please, please don’t torture yourself scrolling through old Christmas photos. If you want to look at them, do it intentionally with support, not at 2am when you’re already spiralling.

6. Create Structure and Anchor Points

Grief can make time feel strange and formless. Creating small structures helps.

Daily anchors during the holiday period:

• Morning ritual – Breathing exercises, journalling, or a cup of tea before the day begins
• Midday check-in – “How am I doing? What do I need right now?”
• Evening wind-down – Something soothing (bath, gentle walk, calming music)
• Sleep routine – Same bedtime, same calming activities

On Christmas Day specifically:

• Morning – Start with something that centres you (walk, meditation, quiet time)
• Afternoon – Schedule a grief break (time alone to cry, scream, or just breathe)
• Evening – Plan something gentle for after events (comfort film, early bed, call a friend)

Physical anchors:

• Keep a comforting object with you (photo, piece of jewellery, stone, letter)
• Use grounding techniques when overwhelmed (5-4-3-2-1 sensory exercise, feet on floor)
• Return to your breath when panic rises (4-7-8 breathing: in for 4, hold for 7, out for 8)

7. Let People Help (And Be Specific About What You Need)

When people ask, “What can I do to help?” many grievers say “nothing” because they don’t want to burden anyone or don’t know what would help.

But people genuinely want to help. Let them.

Specific requests you can make:

“Can you do the Christmas food shop for me? I’ll give you a list.”

“Would you mind hosting Christmas this year? I can’t face cooking.”

“Can you come and help me decorate? I want to do it but I can’t face doing it alone.”

“Can you check in on me on Christmas Day? Just a text to see how I’m doing.”

“Would you be my ‘phone a friend’ if I need to leave an event early?”

“Can you handle the present shopping this year? I just can’t.”

“Would you mind if we skipped presents between us this year? It’s too much.”

Accepting help isn’t weakness—it’s survival. And it gives others a way to show love when they feel helpless.

8. Take Care of Your Physical Body

Grief depletes you. Add holiday stress and your body is running on empty.

Practical physical self-care:

Sleep (or at least rest):

• Aim for 7-8 hours (even if it’s broken sleep)
• Keep a regular bedtime even during holidays
• Nap if you need to, exhaustion makes grief unbearable

Food:

• Eat regularly (even if you don’t feel hungry)
• Keep easy snacks available (fruit, nuts, cheese, crackers)
• Limit alcohol, it worsens depression and disrupts sleep
• Stay hydrated (dehydration worsens fatigue and brain fog)

Movement:

• Walk daily if possible (even 10 minutes helps)
• Fresh air and nature provide relief
• Gentle stretching releases grief tension from your body

Avoid:

• Excessive alcohol or substances (they delay grief, don’t heal it)
• Isolating yourself completely for days
• Ignoring physical warning signs (chest pain, severe panic, inability to function)

I know this is basic advice, but grief makes us forget basics. You cannot navigate grief on no sleep, no food, and too much wine. Your body needs fuel.

9. Prepare for Grief Bursts and Triggers

Even if you’re coping, grief can hit you suddenly and intensely. Christmas is full of triggers.

Common grief triggers at Christmas:

• Specific songs (“their” song, or just emotional Christmas music)
• Smells (cooking, their perfume/cologne, Christmas trees)
• Sights (decorations they loved, places you went together)
• Activities (traditions you did together)
• Questions from strangers (“What are you doing for Christmas?” “Will you see family?”)

When a grief burst hits:

1. Don’t fight it – Trying to suppress it makes it worse
2. Remove yourself if needed – Go to another room, step outside, excuse yourself to the bathroom
3. Breathe – Slow, deep breaths signal safety to your nervous system
4. Ground yourself – 5-4-3-2-1 exercise (name 5 things you see, 4 you can touch, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste)
5. Allow it to pass – Grief bursts peak and then subside—usually within 15-20 minutes
6. Be gentle with yourself – “This is grief. It’s okay. I’m okay. It will pass.”

Have an exit plan for gatherings:

• Drive yourself (so you can leave when you need to)
• Have a code word with a trusted person (“I need to leave now”)
• Keep a reason ready (“I’m not feeling well, I need to go home”)

10. Lower Your Expectations, For Yourself and the Day

Christmas when you’re grieving will not be “good.” That’s not the goal.

The goal is survival.

Lower the bar:

• ❌ “I need to make Christmas magical”
  ✅ “I need to get through Christmas”
• ❌ “I should cook a full Christmas dinner”
  ✅ “Sandwiches are fine. Pizza is fine. Cereal is fine.”
• ❌ “I have to be pleasant and sociable”
  ✅ “I’ll show up, but I might be quiet or leave early”
• ❌ “I shouldn’t cry in front of people”
  ✅ “If I cry, I cry. People can handle it.”
• ❌ “I need to make this good for everyone else”
  ✅ “Everyone else is also responsible for their own experience”

Celebrate small wins:

• You got out of bed ✓
• You showered ✓
• You spoke to another human ✓
• You ate something ✓
• You survived the day ✓

That’s enough. You’re doing enough.

11. Consider Doing Something Completely Different

If traditional Christmas feels unbearable, do something radically different.

Non-traditional Christmas options:

Go away:

• Book a hotel somewhere with no Christmas associations
• Travel abroad where Christmas isn’t celebrated
• Go somewhere you’ve never been (no memories)
• Volunteer somewhere (shift focus outward)

Treat it like a normal day:

• Work if possible (structure helps some people)
• Watch non-Christmas films
• Order takeaway
• Ignore the day entirely

Do something your loved one always wanted to do:

• If they wanted to travel somewhere, go there
• If they loved a particular activity, do it
• Live boldly in their honour

Create entirely new traditions:

• Chinese food and pyjamas all day
• Breakfast for dinner
• Games night instead of formal meal
• Charitable work
• Nature walk and quiet reflection

There’s no rule that says Christmas has to look a certain way. If traditional Christmas hurts too much, create a new version that feels bearable.

12. Manage Well-Meaning But Painful Comments

People say incredibly unhelpful things at Christmas, especially to grievers:

What they say vs. what to think:

“At least they’re not suffering anymore”
→ Translation: They don’t know what to say and are uncomfortable

“Try to focus on the positives”
→ Translation: Your grief makes them uncomfortable

“It’s what they would have wanted” (about celebrating Christmas)
→ Translation: They want you to be okay so they can be comfortable

“You need to move on”
→ Translation: They don’t understand grief

Responses you can use:

Brief but clear:
“I appreciate your concern, but this is just really hard right now.”

Redirect:
“I’m not ready to talk about it. Can we change the subject?”

Honest boundary:
“I know you mean well, but that doesn’t help me right now.”

Gentle education:
“Grief doesn’t have a timeline. I’m doing the best I can.”

If they persist, you can leave:
“I need some air. Excuse me.”

You don’t owe anyone comfort or explanations. Protect yourself.

13. Plan Something to Look Forward to (After Christmas)

When you’re dreading Christmas, it helps to have something (even small) planned for afterwards.

Post-Christmas plans:

• Book a massage or spa day for 27th December
• Plan to meet a supportive friend for coffee
• Buy yourself something small to unwrap on Boxing Day
• Schedule a grief coaching session for early January
• Plan a weekend away in January
• Start a new project or hobby in the new year

This gives you something to hold onto: “I just need to get through Christmas, then I have [thing] to look forward to.”

It doesn’t have to be big. It just has to be something that feels like a reward for surviving.

14. Remember: Next Christmas Will Probably Be Different

I’m not going to tell you it gets easier (it’s more complex than that). But Christmas after loss does change.

Future Christmases might bring:

• Less intense shock and more gentle sadness
• Ability to enjoy moments while still missing them
• New traditions that feel meaningful, not painful
• Laughter without immediate guilt
• Integration of grief into the day rather than being consumed by it

Or they might still be hard. Some people struggle with Christmas for years. And that’s okay too.

The point is: this particular Christmas (right now) doesn’t determine all future Christmases. You’re allowed to struggle this year and be okay next year. Or struggle for several years and then find peace. There’s no right timeline.

Special Circumstances: Specific Holiday Grief Situations

First Christmas Without Them

The first Christmas is often the worst. Everything is a “first” and every tradition screams their absence.

Survival strategies for first Christmas:

• Lower expectations dramatically
• Consider skipping or radically changing plans
• Accept that it will be awful and that’s okay
• Don’t make major decisions (don’t sell their belongings, don’t move house)
• Be extra gentle with yourself
• Ask for more support than you think you need

Christmas When You Have Children

This is heartbreaking. You’re grieving and simultaneously trying to “make Christmas magical” for your children.

Strategies for parents:

• Be honest – Tell children you’re sad and that’s okay
• Lower standards – Store-bought mince pies are fine, simple presents are fine
• Ask for help – Can someone else handle Santa presents? Food preparation?
• Create space for their grief – Children grieve too; honour both their grief and joy
• It’s okay if they’re happy – Their joy doesn’t diminish your loss
• It’s okay if you cry – Shows them emotions are allowed

Remember: You’re showing your children how to navigate grief with honesty and compassion. That’s more valuable than “perfect” Christmas.

Christmas After Suicide

Suicide loss at Christmas carries extra layers: guilt, what-ifs, trauma, stigma.

Specific needs:

• Grief coaching or therapy (this is too much to navigate alone)
• Trauma-informed support (suicide is traumatic loss)
• Community (SOBS – Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide)
• Permission to feel angry, guilty, confused—all of it
• Extra self-compassion

Christmas after suicide requires specialist support. Please reach out.

Christmas During Divorce

Divorce grief is often minimised (“but they’re not dead”), but Christmas apart from your partner and potentially separated from your children is devastating.

Strategies:

• Grieve the family unit you’ve lost
• Create new traditions (this year doesn’t have to look like last year)
• If children are with your ex, plan something meaningful for yourself
• Connect with friends who understand
• Remember: you’re not alone, many people navigate divorce at Christmas

Christmas in Complicated Family Dynamics

When the person who died was the one who held the family together, or if there’s family conflict about how to handle Christmas, it’s especially hard.

Strategies:

• You can opt out of toxic dynamics (even at Christmas)
• Family obligation doesn’t trump your mental health
• Create chosen family Christmas if blood family is harmful
• It’s okay to protect yourself, even if others don’t understand

When Holiday Grief Becomes Dangerous

Please seek immediate help if you’re experiencing:

• Suicidal thoughts or plans – Call 999 or go to A&E
• Self-harm urges – Contact Samaritans 116 123 (available 24/7)
• Complete inability to function – Can’t get out of bed, can’t eat, can’t care for yourself or dependents
• Substance abuse to cope – Drinking/using drugs excessively to numb the pain
• Psychotic symptoms – Hearing voices, severe paranoia, losing touch with reality

Crisis resources:

• Samaritans: 116 123 (24/7)
• NHS Mental Health Crisis Line: 0800 915 9292
• Crisis Text Line: Text SHOUT to 85258
• A&E for immediate danger

Holiday grief is hard, but it shouldn’t be life-threatening. If you’re in crisis, please reach out.

You’re Not Alone

If you’re reading this and feeling hopeless about Christmas, I want you to know something:

Thousands of people in Birmingham and across the UK are dreading Christmas for the same reasons you are. You’re not weak. You’re not failing. You’re grieving.

Christmas is genuinely harder when you’re grieving. The cultural pressure, the inescapable reminders, the expectations—it’s a lot. And you’re doing remarkably well just to be reading this and looking for ways to cope.

Please remember:

• You don’t have to enjoy Christmas
• You don’t have to celebrate at all
• You don’t have to put on a brave face
• You’re allowed to struggle
• You’re allowed to opt out
• You’re allowed to survive rather than thrive

And if you need support navigating this Christmas, I’m here.

Get Support This Christmas

If you’re struggling with grief during the holidays, you don’t have to face it alone.

At Love Life Coaching & Events in Sutton Coldfield, I offer:

• Emergency grief coaching sessions before and after Christmas
• Trauma-informed support for complicated grief
• Practical coping strategies for the holiday period
• Compassionate space to process your feelings
• Support for adults and children navigating grief at Christmas

I’m available throughout December and early January.

You don’t have to be in crisis to reach out. If you’re just struggling and need support, that’s reason enough.

Contact me:

📞 Call or text: 0121 387 3727
🌐 Visit: www.lovelifecoaching-events.co.uk
📧 Email: lucy@lovelifecoaching-events.co.uk
📍 Clinic: The Vesey, Private Hospital, Unit 3, Reddicap Trading Estate, Sutton Coldfield, B75 7BH

Serving Birmingham, Sutton Coldfield, Four Oaks, Boldmere, and the West Midlands. Online sessions available UK-wide.

You’ve survived every difficult day so far. You can survive Christmas too. And I’m here to help.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal to dread Christmas when you’re grieving?
Absolutely. Christmas is one of the hardest days for grievers because of the emphasis on family, tradition, and forced happiness. Dreading it is completely normal and valid.

Should I attend Christmas events even if I don’t want to?
No. You have permission to say no. Your mental health and wellbeing come first. If attending will cause you genuine harm, it’s okay to decline, even if others are disappointed.

How do I handle people asking about Christmas plans?
Brief, honest responses work: “I’m keeping it low-key this year” or “I’m not making big plans” or “It’s a difficult time, so I’m just taking it day by day.”

Is it okay to not put up decorations?
Yes. You don’t have to decorate. If decorations bring pain, leave them in the attic. There’s no rule that says you must decorate.

What if I feel guilty for enjoying anything at Christmas?
This is very common. You might laugh at something and immediately feel guilty. Remember: your loved one would want you to have moments of joy. Feeling happiness doesn’t diminish your love or grief.

Should I spend Christmas alone or with others?
This depends entirely on what you need. Some people need solitude. Others need company. There’s no right answer, only what feels more bearable for you.

About the Author

Lucy Cole is the founder of Love Life Coaching & Events and an award-winning Grief Coach (Prestige Awards 2024/25 – Central England) based in Sutton Coldfield, Birmingham.

Lucy has navigated multiple Christmases while grieving profound losses—her mother’s death from brain cancer, her stepfather’s sudden passing, divorce, and the collapse of her business. She understands the unique pain of the holiday season when you’re grieving and the pressure to “be fine” when you’re falling apart.

Through her own healing journey and now supporting hundreds of adults and children across Birmingham and the West Midlands, Lucy provides compassionate, practical support for navigating grief during the holidays without judgment or pressure to “get over it.”

Qualifications: Grief Recovery Specialist | Master NLP & Hypnotherapy Practitioner | Personal Evolutionary Coach | Life, Health & Emotional Health Coaching | CBT Practitioner | Trauma-Informed Coach (in training)

Lucy specialises in trauma-informed approaches for complicated grief, sudden loss, and helping people survive the most difficult days—including Christmas.