The 7 Stages of Grief Explained: Why They’re Not Linear (And That’s Okay)

If you’ve experienced loss, someone has probably mentioned “the stages of grief” to you.

Maybe they said, “It’s normal, you’re in the anger stage” or “You’ll move through the stages and then you’ll feel better.”

And perhaps you’ve found yourself thinking: “But I don’t feel like I’m moving through stages. I feel like I’m all over the place. Some days I’m fine, then suddenly I’m devastated again. Am I doing this wrong?”

Here’s what I need you to know: You’re not doing it wrong. Grief doesn’t follow a neat, linear path through stages. It never has.

I’m Lucy Cole, founder of Love Life Coaching & Events in Sutton Coldfield and an award-winning grief coach. I’ve navigated profound loss myself. My mother’s death from brain cancer, my stepfather’s sudden passing just weeks later, divorce, business failure, and near bankruptcy. And I can tell you from both personal and professional experience: grief is messy, non-linear, and uniquely yours.

The stages of grief aren’t a roadmap with clear directions. They’re more like… a weather forecast. Sometimes accurate, often unpredictable, and everyone experiences the weather differently.

Let’s talk honestly about what the stages of grief actually mean, why they’re not linear, and how to navigate your own grief journey without judging yourself for not “doing it right.”

Where the “Stages of Grief” Come From

The famous five stages of grief were introduced by psychiatrist Dr Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying.

Here’s what most people don’t know: Kübler-Ross was describing the stages that dying patients go through when facing their own terminal diagnosis, not the stages that grieving people experience after loss.

The stages were later applied to bereavement, and the model evolved. But this crucial context often gets lost: these stages were never meant to be a strict, sequential process that everyone must follow.

Kübler-Ross herself later said that the stages were never meant to be a rigid framework. They were observations of common experiences, not a prescription.

Yet somehow, “the stages of grief” became a checklist that grieving people are expected to tick off in order.

And when real grief doesn’t match this neat progression, people think they’re failing at grief. Which is heartbreaking, because you cannot fail at grief.

The Traditional 5 Stages of Grief (Kübler-Ross Model)

Before we expand to seven stages, let’s look at the original five:

1. Denial

“This can’t be happening. It’s not real.”

Denial is your mind’s protective buffer against overwhelming shock. It gives you time to absorb what’s happened gradually rather than all at once.

2. Anger

“Why did this happen? Who’s to blame? This isn’t fair!”

Anger often masks deeper pain. It can be directed at yourself, others, the person who died, God, doctors, the universe. Anywhere and everywhere.

3. Bargaining

“If only I had… What if I’d done things differently?”

Bargaining is an attempt to regain control. It’s full of “if only” and “what if” thoughts, trying to rewind time or negotiate a different outcome.

4. Depression

“I’m so sad. What’s the point? I can’t do this.”

This is the deep sadness that settles in when you realise the loss is permanent. It’s not clinical depression (though that can develop), it’s profound grief sadness.

5. Acceptance

“This happened. I can’t change it. I need to find a way forward.”

Acceptance doesn’t mean you’re happy about the loss or that you’ve “moved on.” It means you’ve accepted the reality and are learning to live with it.

The Expanded 7 Stages of Grief

Many grief experts now recognise seven stages that more comprehensively capture the grief experience:

1. Shock and Disbelief

“This isn’t real. I keep expecting them to walk through the door.”

What it looks like:

• Numbness or feeling nothing at all
• Moving through daily life on autopilot
• Feeling disconnected from reality
• Expecting the person to return
• Inability to process what’s happened

From my experience: When my mother died, I was numb. I organised the funeral, sorted paperwork, notified people, all whilst feeling like I was watching myself from outside my body. The shock protected me from feeling the full weight immediately.

Then my stepfather died just 29 days later. More shock. More numbness. It felt surreal, like surely this couldn’t be happening twice in one month.

This stage is protective. Your mind and body know you can’t process everything at once, so shock cushions the blow.

2. Denial

“If I don’t think about it, maybe it’s not real.”

What it looks like:

• Avoiding reminders of the loss
• Refusing to talk about what happened
• Continuing routines as if nothing’s changed
• Minimising the impact (“I’m fine, really”)
• Keeping busy to avoid feeling

Why it happens: Denial buys time. It allows reality to seep in gradually rather than crushing you all at once.

From my experience: After the initial shock wore off, I threw myself into activity. I partied, travelled, dated, anything to avoid sitting with the reality that both my parents were gone. I convinced myself I was “fine” and “coping well.”

I wasn’t. I was avoiding.

Denial becomes a problem when it’s prolonged. Short-term? Protective. Long-term? Prevents healing.

3. Anger

“This isn’t fair! I’m furious!”

What it looks like:

• Rage at the situation, person who died, God, doctors, yourself
• Irritability and snapping at people
• Feeling angry at others who “have it easier”
• Anger at the unfairness of loss
• Physical tension and aggression

What it masks: Anger is often easier to feel than vulnerability. Underneath rage is usually profound pain, fear, and helplessness.

From my experience: I was angry at everything. Angry that my mother suffered for 20 years with cancer. Angry that my stepfather died of a broken heart. Angry at my ex-husband for not supporting me emotionally. Angry at myself for not being stronger. Angry at the universe for taking so much from me at once.

Sometimes I’d snap at people for no reason. The anger had nowhere to go, so it leaked out sideways.

Anger is a normal part of grief. Don’t judge yourself for it. But do find healthy ways to express it (exercise, journalling, therapy, not taking it out on innocent people).

4. Bargaining

“If only… What if… Maybe I can fix this.”

What it looks like:

• Obsessive “what if” thinking
• Reviewing the past for things you could have done differently
• Making deals with God or the universe
• Guilt about things you did or didn’t do
• Trying to rewind time in your mind

Why it happens: Bargaining is an attempt to regain control in a situation where you’re utterly powerless. It’s also a way of avoiding acceptance. If you can just figure out how to change what happened, you don’t have to accept it’s real.

From my experience: “If only I’d insisted Mum see a different doctor.”
“What if I’d moved home to care for her myself?”
“Maybe if I’d been a better daughter, she would have fought harder.”

None of this was rational. But grief isn’t rational. I tortured myself with “what ifs” for months.

Bargaining is normal, but it keeps you stuck. Eventually, you have to accept that you couldn’t have changed what happened.

5. Depression/Sadness

“I’m so sad. I don’t know if I can keep going.”

What it looks like:

• Deep, heavy sadness
• Crying frequently (or wanting to but feeling numb)
• Loss of interest in activities you used to enjoy
• Fatigue and low energy
• Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
• Feeling hopeless or empty
• Withdrawing from others

Important distinction: This is grief depression, a natural response to loss. It’s different from clinical depression (though grief can trigger that, requiring professional treatment).

From my experience: About a year after my parents died, the denial and anger lifted, and I was left with crushing sadness. I’d sleep for hours, struggling to get out of bed. I’d cry without warning. Everything felt pointless.

I remember thinking, “People keep saying it gets easier. But it’s been a year and I feel worse, not better.”

This is incredibly common. The first year, you’re often in shock. The second year, reality fully sinks in, and depression deepens.

Depression in grief is not weakness. It’s your heart breaking. Let it break. Feel it. Don’t rush it.

(But if depression becomes severe (suicidal thoughts, inability to function, self-harm) seek professional help immediately.)

6. Testing and Reconstruction

“Maybe I can try living again. What does life look like now?”

What it looks like:

• Trying new activities or routines
• Experimenting with who you are now
• Testing whether you can feel joy again
• Rebuilding a life that accommodates the loss
• Small steps forward (even if you backslide)

Why this stage matters: This is where you start to reconstruct your identity and life. Not “moving on” or “getting over it”, but learning to live in a world where this loss is part of your story.

From my experience: After about two years, I started to emerge from the depression fog. I enrolled in coaching courses. I started my business. I tried new hobbies.

It wasn’t linear. I’d have good weeks, then collapse into grief again. But slowly, I was testing whether I could build a new life.

This stage involves a lot of trial and error. You’re figuring out who you are now, and that takes time.

7. Acceptance and Integration

“This happened. I’ll always miss them. But I can live with this.”

What it looks like:

• Accepting the reality of the loss
• Finding ways to carry the person/loss with you
• Experiencing joy without overwhelming guilt
• Building a meaningful life that includes the grief
• Understanding that grief and happiness can coexist

What acceptance is NOT:

• ❌ “Getting over it” or forgetting
• ❌ Being happy about what happened
• ❌ Never feeling sad again
• ❌ Betraying the person’s memory by living fully

What acceptance IS:

• ✅ Acknowledging this is your reality
• ✅ Learning to carry grief whilst also living
• ✅ Integrating loss into your life story
• ✅ Honouring the person whilst moving forward

From my experience: I’m at acceptance now, most days. I’ve accepted my parents are gone. I’ve built a new life. I’ve found meaning in helping others through grief.

But I still have hard days. Anniversaries hit me. Holidays are difficult. Sometimes I still cry.

Acceptance doesn’t mean you’re “done” grieving. It means you’ve found a way to live alongside the grief.

Why the Stages Aren’t Linear (And That’s Completely Normal)

Here’s the truth most people don’t tell you: You won’t experience these stages in order. You’ll bounce between them. You’ll skip some. You’ll revisit others repeatedly.

Grief Is Not a Straight Line

You might think grief looks like this:

Shock → Denial → Anger → Bargaining → Depression → Testing → Acceptance

But grief actually looks more like this:

Shock → Anger → Denial → Anger again → Depression → Testing → Anger (again!) → Bargaining → Depression → Testing → Anger → Acceptance (mostly) → Anger → Acceptance → Depression → Acceptance…

You can experience multiple stages in one day. You can be in acceptance for months, then suddenly plunge back into anger or depression.

Why Grief Isn’t Linear:

1. Grief comes in waves: Some days you’re coping. Others you’re drowning. There’s no logic to it.

2. Triggers are unpredictable: A song, a smell, a date, someone’s comment, suddenly you’re back in intense grief, even if you felt “okay” moments before.

3. Different losses at different times: If multiple people died (like my mother and stepfather), you might grieve them at different paces, experiencing stages out of sync.

4. Compound grief: If you’re dealing with multiple losses (death + divorce + job loss, like I was), stages overlap and tangle together.

5. Anniversaries and milestones: Birthdays, holidays, wedding dates. These often trigger regression to earlier stages even years later.

6. New life stages bring new grief: You might think you’ve “accepted” a loss, then something happens (you get married, have a baby, face a crisis) and you grieve all over again because they’re not here for it.

My Personal Experience of Non-Linear Grief

Let me be brutally honest about my own journey:

Year 1: Shock, denial, frantic activity. I thought I was “coping.”

Year 2: Crushing depression. I realised I wasn’t coping at all.

Year 3: Anger returned with a vengeance. Rage at my ex-husband, at my parents for dying, at life.

Year 4: Testing. Started coaching training. Tried to rebuild.

Year 5: More depression (compound grief from business loss and divorce finally).

Year 6: Started accepting. Built my coaching business.

Year 7-9: Mostly acceptance, with periodic returns to sadness, anger, or bargaining.

Now (10 years later): Generally at peace. But some days I still cry. Some days I’m angry. Some days I bargain (“what if”).

This isn’t failure. This is normal grief.

Common Myths About the Stages of Grief

Myth 1: “You must go through all stages”

Truth: Some people skip stages entirely. That’s fine.

Myth 2: “The stages happen in order”

Truth: They rarely do. Grief is chaotic.

Myth 3: “Once you reach acceptance, you’re done”

Truth: Grief never fully “ends.” You learn to carry it.

Myth 4: “There’s a timeline for each stage”

Truth: There’s no timeline. Stages can last days, months, or years.

Myth 5: “If you’re not following the stages, something’s wrong”

Truth: Everyone grieves differently. Your grief is valid regardless of how it looks.

Myth 6: “Acceptance means you’re happy about the loss”

Truth: Acceptance means you’ve acknowledged reality, not that you like it.

How to Navigate the Stages (Without Judging Yourself)

1. Stop Expecting Linear Progress

Release the idea that you should be “further along” by now. Grief doesn’t work that way.

Instead of: “I should be at acceptance by now, it’s been two years.”
Try: “I’m where I am today. Some days are harder than others. That’s normal.”

2. Allow All Emotions

Every stage and every emotion is valid:

• Anger? Allowed.
• Numbness? Allowed.
• Laughter? Allowed.
• Relief? Allowed.
• Guilt about feeling relief? Also allowed.

You don’t have to justify your feelings.

3. Recognise That “Backwards” Isn’t Backwards

If you thought you’d reached acceptance but suddenly you’re angry again, you haven’t failed or regressed.

Grief spirals. You revisit stages with new understanding each time.

Think of it as a spiral, not a line:

• You might return to anger, but it’s different anger—deeper, or perhaps gentler
• You might feel depression again, but you have more tools to cope now
• Each time you revisit a stage, you’re processing a deeper layer

4. Give Yourself Permission to Grieve at Your Own Pace

Some people reach acceptance in months. Others take years. Some aspects of grief may never fully resolve.

All of this is normal.

Don’t compare your grief to:

• How others grieved the same person
• How you “should” be grieving according to a book
• How quickly others think you should “move on”

Your grief is yours. Honor your pace.

5. Seek Support When You’re Stuck

Sometimes people get stuck in one stage (usually anger, bargaining, or depression) and can’t seem to move forward at all.

Signs you might be stuck:

• Years have passed and grief intensity hasn’t eased at all
• You’re unable to function in daily life
• Grief is destroying relationships or your health
• You’re using substances to cope
• You have thoughts of self-harm or suicide

Being stuck doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you need professional support to process what you’re carrying.

At Love Life Coaching & Events, I help people who are stuck in grief using trauma-informed approaches, NLP, and hypnotherapy. Sometimes you need a guide to help you navigate through.

When Grief Doesn’t Follow the Stages at All

Some grief doesn’t fit the stages model at all.

Complicated Grief

When grief is so severe and prolonged that it interferes with life, it’s called complicated grief or prolonged grief disorder. This requires professional treatment.

Traumatic Grief

If the death was sudden, violent, or traumatic (suicide, murder, accident), grief often involves trauma symptoms (flashbacks, hypervigilance, panic) that don’t fit neatly into stages.

Disenfranchised Grief

If your grief isn’t socially acknowledged (miscarriage, pet loss, ex-partner, estranged relationship), you might not follow stages because you’re also battling the message that your grief “doesn’t count.”

Compound Grief

Multiple losses at once (like my experience) create tangled, overlapping stages that don’t separate neatly.

If your grief doesn’t fit the stages, that doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you. It means the model is limited, not that you’re broken.

Different Types of Loss, Different Grief Journeys

The stages also vary depending on what you’ve lost:

Death of a Loved One

• Often involves intense shock and numbness initially
• Anger may be directed at doctors, God, or the unfairness
• Depression can be profound and long-lasting
• Acceptance involves learning to live without them physically

Divorce or Relationship Breakdown

• Grief is complicated by ongoing contact (co-parenting, shared friends)
• Anger often stays prominent longer (especially if there was betrayal)
• Bargaining involves “what if we’d tried harder?”
• Acceptance means letting go of the future you envisioned

Job Loss or Career Change

• Shock at losing identity and purpose
• Anger at employer or economy
• Bargaining about what you could have done differently
• Depression about financial stress
• Testing new career paths
• Acceptance of new direction

Health Diagnosis or Disability

• Grief for the life you thought you’d have
• Anger at your body or fate
• Bargaining for a cure or different outcome
• Depression about limitations
• Testing new ways of living
• Acceptance of a different future

The stages apply to all types of loss, but they manifest differently.

Practical Strategies for Each Stage

If You’re in Shock:

• Allow numbness, it’s protective
• Accept practical help from others
• Don’t make major decisions yet
• Be patient with yourself

If You’re in Denial:

• Notice when you’re avoiding (without judging)
• Gently allow reality to seep in at your own pace
• Talk to someone safe when you’re ready
• Don’t force yourself to “face it” before you’re ready

If You’re in Anger:

• Find healthy outlets (exercise, journalling, therapy)
• Don’t direct anger at innocent people
• Acknowledge anger is masking pain
• Express it safely rather than suppressing it

If You’re Bargaining:

• Notice “what if” thoughts without getting stuck in them
• Practice self-compassion (you did the best you could)
• Remind yourself you couldn’t have changed the outcome
• Gradually shift to “what now” instead of “what if”

If You’re in Depression:

• Allow yourself to be sad (it’s necessary)
• Seek support (therapy, grief coaching, support groups)
• Maintain basic routines even when it’s hard
• Watch for signs it’s becoming clinical depression

If You’re Testing:

• Try new things without pressure
• Accept that some experiments won’t work
• Celebrate small steps forward
• Don’t judge yourself for setbacks

If You’re in Acceptance:

• Honor that this doesn’t mean “over it”
• Allow yourself joy without guilt
• Find ways to carry their memory forward
• Be gentle when grief resurfaces

How Long Do the Stages Last?

The honest answer: There’s no timeline.

Some people move through stages quickly. Others take years. Most people bounce between stages for a long time.

General patterns (but remember, everyone’s different):

• Shock: Days to weeks (sometimes months after traumatic loss)
• Denial: Weeks to months (can be years if avoiding)
• Anger: Months to years (often comes and goes)
• Bargaining: Weeks to months (can resurface periodically)
• Depression: Months to years (often deepens in year 2)
• Testing: Months to years (gradual, with setbacks)
• Acceptance: Years (and it’s ongoing, not a destination)

The “it takes a year” myth: Many people say grief eases after a year. In reality, year two is often harder because shock has worn off and reality fully sets in.

My experience: It took me about 5-7 years to reach genuine acceptance of my parents’ deaths. And even now, 10 years later, I have moments of intense grief.

Don’t rush yourself. Grief has its own timeline.

When to Seek Professional Grief Support

Consider professional help if:

• Grief significantly impacts your ability to function after several months
• You’re stuck in one stage and can’t move forward
• You have thoughts of self-harm or suicide
• You’re using substances to cope
• Relationships are suffering
• Physical health is declining
• You have symptoms of complicated grief or PTSD

Professional support doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re taking grief seriously and getting the help you need.

At Love Life Coaching & Events in Sutton Coldfield, I offer:

• Trauma-informed grief coaching
• NLP and hypnotherapy for processing grief
• Support for all types of loss
• Help for people stuck in grief
• Guidance through the non-linear journey

You don’t have to navigate this alone.

The Stages Are a Guide, Not a Rule

Here’s what I want you to take away from this:

The stages of grief are helpful as a framework for understanding common experiences. But they’re not a rulebook, timeline, or measure of your progress.

Your grief is valid regardless of:

• How long it’s taking
• Which stages you experience
• What order they come in
• Whether you fit the model at all

Grief is not a problem to solve or a test to pass. It’s a journey to navigate. Messy, unpredictable, and uniquely yours.

Be patient with yourself. Allow all the emotions. Ask for support when you need it. And trust that you’re doing grief “right” simply by showing up each day and feeling what you feel.

That’s all any of us can do.

Get Support for Your Grief Journey

If you’re navigating grief and need support understanding where you are or how to move forward, I’m here to help.

At Love Life Coaching & Events in Sutton Coldfield, I offer:

• Compassionate, trauma-informed grief coaching
• Support for all types of loss (not just death)
• Help for people stuck in grief
• NLP and hypnotherapy techniques for processing grief
• Understanding your unique grief journey (no judgment, no timelines)

I’ve been where you are. I know grief doesn’t follow a neat path. And I’m here to walk alongside you through the mess of it.

Contact me:

📞 Call or text: 0121 387 3727
🌐 Visit: www.lovelifecoaching-events.co.uk
📧 Email: lucy@lovelifecoaching-events.co.uk
📍 Clinic: The Vesey, Private Hospital, Unit 3, Reddicap Trading Estate, Sutton Coldfield, B75 7BH

Serving Birmingham, Sutton Coldfield, Four Oaks, Boldmere, and the West Midlands. Online sessions available UK-wide.

Wherever you are in your grief journey (whether you’re in shock, anger, depression, or somewhere in between) you’re exactly where you need to be. And you don’t have to walk this path alone.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal to skip stages of grief?
Absolutely. Not everyone experiences every stage, and that’s completely fine. Your grief journey is unique to you.

I feel like I’m going backwards. Is something wrong?
No. Grief isn’t linear. Revisiting earlier stages is normal and doesn’t mean you’ve regressed. You’re processing deeper layers.

How long should grief last?
There’s no “should.” Grief is lifelong in the sense that loss becomes part of who you are. But the intensity typically eases over time (though everyone’s timeline differs).

Can you be stuck in one stage forever?
Prolonged grief that doesn’t ease after years may indicate complicated grief, which benefits from professional support. But there’s no “normal” timeline.

What if I don’t feel sad, only angry or numb?
Anger and numbness are valid grief responses. Sadness isn’t required. Everyone grieves differently.

Do the stages apply to losses other than death?
Yes. Divorce, job loss, health diagnosis, and other significant losses all involve grief stages, though they may manifest differently.

About the Author

Lucy Cole is the founder of Love Life Coaching & Events and an award-winning Grief Coach (Prestige Awards 2024/25 – Central England) based in Sutton Coldfield, Birmingham.

Lucy has personally navigated non-linear grief following multiple devastating losses—her mother’s death from brain cancer, her stepfather’s sudden passing just 29 days later, a painful four-year divorce, business failure, and near bankruptcy. Her own experience of bouncing between stages, getting stuck in anger and depression, and eventually reaching acceptance informs her compassionate, realistic approach to supporting others.

Lucy specialises in helping people who feel stuck in grief, those whose grief doesn’t fit the “normal” pattern, and anyone struggling with the non-linear, messy reality of loss. Using trauma-informed approaches, NLP, and hypnotherapy, she guides clients through their unique grief journeys without judgment or timelines.

Qualifications: Grief Recovery Specialist | Master NLP & Hypnotherapy Practitioner | Personal Evolutionary Coach | Life, Health & Emotional Health Coaching | CBT Practitioner | Trauma-Informed Coach (in training)