How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving: What to Say, What to Do, and What to Avoid

Someone you care about is grieving. And you have absolutely no idea what to say.

You want to help. You want to take their pain away. You want to say the right thing, and you’re terrified of saying the wrong one. So perhaps you’ve been saying nothing at all, avoiding them, telling yourself you’ll reach out when you know what to do.

This is one of the most common responses to someone else’s grief. And it’s also one of the most painful things a grieving person experiences, feeling abandoned by the people they love at the moment they need them most.

I’m Lucy Cole, founder of Love Life Coaching & Events in Sutton Coldfield and an award-winning grief coach. I’ve supported hundreds of people through grief, and one thing I hear again and again is not just the pain of loss, but the pain of feeling utterly alone in it. Friends disappear. Family say the wrong things. Colleagues act like nothing happened.

This guide is for you. The friend, the family member, the colleague who wants to get this right.

You don’t need to fix their grief. You just need to show up.

Why Supporting Grievers Feels So Hard

Before we get into the practicalities, let’s acknowledge something: supporting a grieving person is genuinely uncomfortable. And that discomfort is the reason so many people get it wrong, or disappear entirely.

Why it feels so hard:

We’re frightened of saying the wrong thing. So we say nothing. Silence feels safer than risk, even though silence is often experienced as abandonment.

We’re frightened of their emotion. Deep grief is raw and overwhelming to witness. Many people instinctively try to stop the tears, change the subject, or “cheer them up”, because the emotion is uncomfortable for us, not because it’s harmful to them.

We want to fix it. We’re problem-solvers. Grief isn’t a problem to be solved. This mismatch between what we offer and what’s needed causes many well-intentioned people to say things that feel dismissive.

We don’t know what to say. Because no one teaches us. Grief is largely absent from our cultural conversations until we’re plunged into it.

We’re reminded of our own mortality. Witnessing loss (particularly the death of a parent, a partner, a young person) can trigger our own fears in ways that make us want to keep our distance.

Understanding why we get it wrong is the first step to getting it right. The rest of this guide will help you do exactly that.

What NOT to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving

Let’s start here, because most people’s instincts lead them toward phrases that are meant kindly but land painfully.

“They’re in a better place.”

This one is meant to comfort. For many people, it achieves the opposite. It can feel like you’re minimising the loss, implying the person should be glad they’re gone, or making theological assumptions that may not be shared.

What they hear: “You shouldn’t be so upset, this is a good thing.”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

There is no reason good enough to justify the death of someone’s mother, child, or partner. Saying this (even with the kindest of intentions) can feel profoundly dismissive and even cruel.

What they hear: “Your loss is part of a plan, so stop being devastated.”

“Stay strong.”

Grief is strength. Asking someone to “stay strong” implies that falling apart is weakness, that they should be suppressing the very emotions that need to be expressed in order to heal. It places the burden of managing your discomfort onto them.

What they hear: “Please don’t cry in front of me. Make this easier for me.”

“I know exactly how you feel.”

You don’t. Even if you’ve experienced a similar loss, grief is entirely personal. The relationship, the history, the circumstances, all of it is unique. This phrase can inadvertently make the conversation about you.

What they hear: “Your grief isn’t that special.”

“At least they had a good long life.”

Or: “At least you had time to say goodbye.” Or: “At least you still have your other children.” Or: “At least it was quick.”

The “at least” formulation is one of the most common and damaging responses to grief. It attempts to reframe the loss as something to be grateful for. Grieving people are usually aware of the silver linings. They don’t need pointing out.

What they hear: “You’re overreacting. Here’s a reason why it’s not that bad.”

“You should be over it by now.”

Whether stated directly or implied, by visible discomfort with ongoing grief, by asking “how long is it going to take,” by commenting that “life goes on”… Suggesting there’s a deadline on grief is deeply hurtful. Grief has no timeline.

What they hear: “Your grief is inconvenient and excessive.”

“Time heals all wounds.”

Time alone doesn’t heal grief, what’s done with time matters. And in the early weeks and months, when the pain is sharpest, this phrase can feel dismissive.

What they hear: “Just wait it out. Nothing I do will actually help.”

“Let me know if you need anything.”

This one means well, but it places the entire burden on the grieving person, who is least equipped to ask for help. In a fog of grief, most people won’t know what they need, and even if they do, many won’t feel comfortable asking.

What they hear: “I’d rather wait for you to reach out than take any initiative.”

What TO Say to Someone Who Is Grieving

“I’m so sorry. I love you and I’m here.”

Simple. True. No solutions, no silver linings, no platitudes. Just acknowledgment and presence.

“I can’t imagine how much pain you’re in right now.”

This validates their grief without comparing or diminishing it. It acknowledges the depth of what they’re experiencing.

“Tell me about [the person who died].”

One of the most meaningful things you can do for a grieving person is to invite them to talk about the person they’ve lost. Most people are desperate to talk about their loved one but feel afraid of upsetting others. Asking directly gives them permission.

“[Their name] was such a [quality]. I remember when they…”

Share a memory. Say the name of the person who died. Many grievers say that one of the hardest things is people avoiding saying their loved one’s name for fear of upsetting them. Saying the name says: they mattered. They existed. They are not forgotten.

“I don’t know what to say, but I want you to know I’m here and I love you.”

Honesty about not knowing what to say is infinitely better than a platitude. It’s human. It’s real. And it removes the pressure of having to perform comfort.

“You don’t have to be okay. You don’t have to hold it together for me.”

This gives explicit permission for the griever to be as devastated as they actually are, without worrying about your feelings. It’s a profound gift.

“How are you really?”

With the emphasis on really. Not the social “how are you” that expects “fine” as the answer. A genuine, unhurried question that signals you actually want to know.

“I’m going to [specific action]. I’ll be round at [time].”

Rather than “let me know if you need anything”, be specific and take the initiative. “I’m making a casserole and bringing it over Thursday evening.” “I’m walking past Waitrose, I’ll pick up some shopping. What do you need?” “I’ll come and sit with you Saturday afternoon.”

Specificity removes the burden from them.

Practical Ways to Help. The Specifics

Beyond what you say, practical support is one of the most meaningful things you can offer. Here are specific, useful things you can do:

In the First Days and Weeks:

• Bring food – not just once, but repeatedly. The house is full of people in the first few days; it empties fast. Weeks later, when everyone else has moved on and they’re alone and struggling to cook, that’s when food deliveries matter most.
• Handle logistics they can’t face – contacting people on their behalf, helping with paperwork, managing incoming communication
• Sit with them in silence – you don’t need to talk. Just being present matters enormously
• Take care of children or pets – giving them a few hours of practical freedom
• Handle the funeral if asked – flowers, arrangements, music choices, catering

In the Weeks and Months That Follow:

• Keep reaching out – most support rushes in immediately and disappears. The person is often most in need of support 2-3 months later, when the funeral is long past and everyone assumes they’re “getting better”
• Remember significant dates – the first anniversary, their birthday, the deceased’s birthday, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day. A text on these days saying “I’m thinking of you today” means the world
• Invite them to things – even if they say no, knowing they’re thought of matters. Don’t stop inviting because they’ve declined twice
• Check in without requiring a response – “No need to reply, just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you” removes the pressure to perform
• Help them return to ordinary life – accompanying them back to social situations for the first time can be enormously helpful. The first time back at a dinner party, at the gym, at a group event. Having someone alongside them makes it less daunting

Supporting Through Different Types of Loss

Grief comes in many forms, and good support is sensitive to the specific type of loss.

Death of a Spouse or Long-Term Partner

The loss of a life partner dismantles an entire identity and daily reality. They’ve lost not only the person but their role, their routine, their future as they’d imagined it.

What helps:

• Acknowledge the enormity of it. Don’t compare to lesser losses
• Invite them out regularly. Isolation is particularly dangerous in widowhood grief
• Be patient with the length of grief. This can take years
• Don’t rush them toward “moving on” or new relationships
• Help with practical things that their partner used to handle

Death of a Parent

Even when expected, the death of a parent can be profoundly destabilising. You become the older generation. You lose your primary attachment figure.

What helps:

• Acknowledge that it’s a big loss even if the parent was elderly or ill
• Ask about who the parent was, their history, their relationship with the griever
• Be patient if they seem to regress emotionally. This is normal
• Support through the specific grief of anticipatory loss if applicable (see our article on anticipatory grief)

Death of a Child

This is considered the most devastating loss a person can experience. It goes against the natural order. The grief is typically lifelong.

What helps:

• Say the child’s name
• Never suggest they “can have more children” or that another child compensates for this one
• Acknowledge that the grief will never fully resolve. They will carry this always
• Don’t disappear because you don’t know what to say
• Remember the child, their birthday, their anniversary, forever

Grief After Suicide

Suicide loss is layered with particular pain: grief, shock, trauma, guilt, questions that may never have answers, stigma, and anger. It requires particular sensitivity.

What helps:

• Don’t ask for details or speculate about reasons
• Acknowledge the complexity without trying to make sense of it
• Be alert to trauma responses (flashbacks, nightmares, hyper-vigilance) and encourage specialist support
• Be patient with the non-linear, prolonged nature of this grief
• Never suggest that the person could have done more to prevent it

Divorce and Relationship Breakdown

Divorce grief is real grief, the loss of a marriage, a future, a family unit, an identity. It is often dismissed because the person is “still alive.” Don’t make this mistake.

What helps:

• Take it as seriously as you would a bereavement
• Don’t rush them toward being “well rid of them” or “back on the dating scene”
• Acknowledge all the losses involved, home, financial security, shared friends, routine
• Be careful about taking sides in a way that isolates them from their own complexity
• For more, see our article on healing after divorce grief

Pet Loss

Pet loss is frequently dismissed and rarely supported. Don’t dismiss it.

What helps:

• Take the grief seriously, say something. Silence is particularly painful with pet loss grief
• Acknowledge that the loss is real and significant
• Don’t suggest they “just get another one”
• Ask about the pet. Their personality, their history, funny memories. For more, see our article on pet loss grief

Miscarriage and Baby Loss

Miscarriage and stillbirth are among the most disenfranchised forms of grief — loss that is frequently unacknowledged by wider social circles.

What helps:

• Acknowledge it. Even an early miscarriage is a real loss
• Ask about the baby. If they gave them a name, use it
• Don’t say “at least it was early” or “at least you can try again”
• Remember the due date and the anniversary
• Recognise that each subsequent pregnancy may be shadowed by grief and anxiety

Supporting Someone Over Time

Grief doesn’t end at the funeral. In fact, many people say the hardest period is after the initial support has faded, typically two to three months in, when everyone has gone back to their lives and the griever is still in the thick of it.

The Long Game

Showing up once is easy. Showing up for months and years is what truly matters.

How to support someone over the long term:

• Regular, consistent contact. Not intense and then nothing
• Allowing them to mention the person who died without changing the subject
• Tolerating their grief without trying to rush them through it
• Being flexible. Some days they’ll be okay; some days they won’t
• Recognising that grief comes in waves, and being available when the waves hit

Grief Around Significant Dates

Grief often intensifies around specific dates:

• The death anniversary
• The deceased’s birthday
• The griever’s birthday (a reminder of who isn’t there to celebrate)
• Christmas and other holidays
• Mother’s Day or Father’s Day (if a parent has died)
• Weddings, births, graduations. Milestones the person isn’t there to witness

A simple text on these days ”Thinking of you today” requires almost nothing of you and can mean everything to them.

For guidance on supporting someone through holiday grief, see our article on grief during the holidays.

Looking After Yourself as a Supporter

Supporting a grieving person over a prolonged period can take a toll. Compassion fatigue (the exhaustion and emotional depletion that comes from sustained empathic support) is real.

Signs you may be experiencing compassion fatigue:

• Feeling drained after conversations with the grieving person
• Starting to dread their calls or messages
• Finding it harder to feel empathetic
• Neglecting your own needs
• Feeling hopeless about whether your support is helping

This doesn’t make you a bad friend or family member. It makes you human.

What helps:

• Recognise your own limits. You can’t be the only support
• Encourage the griever to build a wider network (friends, support groups, professional support)
• Be honest with yourself about what you can sustainably offer
• Seek your own support, a trusted friend to debrief with, or a therapist
• Remember that you can care deeply about someone’s pain without taking it on yourself

When to Suggest Professional Support

There are times when what a grieving person needs is beyond what a friend or family member can provide, and when encouraging them to seek professional support is the most loving thing you can do.

Signs That Professional Support May Be Needed:

• Grief is significantly impairing their ability to function months after the loss
• They’re experiencing persistent depression, severe anxiety, or panic attacks
• They’re not eating, sleeping, or caring for themselves
• They’re withdrawing completely from life and relationships
• They’re using alcohol, substances, or other behaviours to cope
• They’re expressing hopelessness or thoughts of not wanting to be alive
• They seem “stuck” and unable to move through grief at all

How to Suggest It Without Offending:

The suggestion of professional support can land badly if handled poorly. Here’s how to do it with care:

Be gentle and specific: “I’ve been reading about grief coaching and I really think it could help you. You don’t have to go through this alone, and I think talking to someone who specialises in this could make a real difference.”

Make it about them, not about your discomfort: “I want you to have the best possible support. I’ll always be here, and I also want you to have someone who’s trained in helping people through this.”

Offer to help find someone: “Would it help if I looked into some options for you? I could help you find a grief coach in Birmingham.”

Don’t frame it as you giving up on them: “I’m not going anywhere, I’ll still be here. I just want you to have as much support as possible.”

At Love Life Coaching & Events in Sutton Coldfield and Birmingham, I work with people at all stages of grief, from recent loss to grief that has been unresolved for years. If someone you love is struggling, I’d be glad to help. You can speak to me directly, or simply pass on my details.

📞 Call or text: 0121 387 3727 

🌐 Visit: www.lovelifecoaching-events.co.uk 

📧 Email: lucy@lovelifecoaching-events.co.uk 

📍 Clinic: The Vesey, Private Hospital, Unit 3, Reddicap Trading Estate, Sutton Coldfield, B75 7BH

A Final Word

You came to this article because you love someone who is grieving. That matters. The fact that you want to get this right, that you’re willing to sit in discomfort in order to show up for them. That is love in action.

You don’t need to say the perfect thing. You don’t need to fix their grief. You just need to show up, stay, and be willing to witness their pain without flinching.

That is enough. That is everything.

Frequently Asked Questions

What do you say to someone whose loved one just died? Keep it simple and honest: “I’m so sorry. I love you and I’m here.” You don’t need to say more than that. The most important things are acknowledging the loss, saying you’re sorry, and affirming your presence. Avoid platitudes about reasons, better places, or silver linings.

Is it okay to talk about the person who died? Yes, and usually very welcome. Many grievers are desperate to talk about their loved one but feel afraid others will find it upsetting. Saying the name of the person who died is a powerful way of acknowledging that they existed and mattered.

What if I say the wrong thing? You probably will, at some point, everyone does. If you say something that lands badly, acknowledge it simply: “I’m sorry, that came out wrong. What I meant to say is that I love you and I’m here.” Don’t overcorrect with excessive apology. Then move on.

How long should I keep checking in? Grief doesn’t have a timeline, and neither should your support. Check in regularly (at least monthly) for the first year. Remember significant dates. Years later, mentioning the person who died is still welcome, not upsetting.

My friend says they’re fine but I’m worried. What should I do? Trust your instinct. People in grief frequently say they’re fine when they’re not, it’s often easier than having to explain, or they feel guilty about being a burden. Try asking more specifically: “I’m a bit worried about you. Tell me honestly how you’re doing.” And if you’re seriously concerned, gently suggest professional support.

They keep pushing me away. Should I stop reaching out? Don’t stop. Grieving people sometimes push people away, not because they don’t need support but because they’re testing whether you’ll stay. A gentle, consistent “I’m still here when you’re ready” message (with no pressure to respond) keeps the door open. The key is removing the burden of having to reciprocate.

About the Author

Lucy Cole is the founder of Love Life Coaching & Events and an award-winning Grief Coach (Prestige Awards 2024/25 – Central England) based in Sutton Coldfield, Birmingham.

Lucy helps not only the people experiencing grief but also the families, friends, and colleagues who want to support them. Understanding what genuinely helps (and what inadvertently hurts) is something she is passionate about, and a significant part of why grief so often goes unprocessed is the lack of appropriate support from those around the griever.

Qualifications: Grief Recovery Specialist | Master NLP & Hypnotherapy Practitioner | Personal Evolutionary Coach | Life, Health & Emotional Health Coaching | CBT Practitioner | Trauma-Informed Coach (in training)