Complicated Grief: When Grief Doesn’t Ease (And What to Do)

“It’s been three years since my husband died, and I still can’t function. Everyone says I should be ‘better’ by now. What’s wrong with me?”

Nothing is wrong with you. You’re experiencing what’s called complicated grief (also known as prolonged grief disorder), and you need specialist support, not judgment.

I’m Lucy Cole, founder of Love Life Coaching & Events in Sutton Coldfield and an award-winning grief coach. I specialise in trauma-informed approaches for complex grief, and I work with people whose grief has become overwhelming, prolonged, or debilitating.

Here’s what you need to know: Complicated grief is not a character flaw. It’s not weakness. It’s not “attention-seeking.” It’s a recognised condition that requires professional support.

And with the right help (trauma-informed coaching, therapy, or specialist treatment) you can heal.

This guide will help you understand what complicated grief is, how it differs from “normal” grief, why it happens, and most importantly: what to do about it.

What Is Complicated Grief?

Complicated grief (also called prolonged grief disorder or persistent complex bereavement disorder) is grief that:

• Remains intensely painful for a prolonged period (typically 12+ months)
• Significantly impairs your ability to function in daily life
• Doesn’t naturally ease over time as “typical” grief does
• Feels as raw and overwhelming years later as it did in the early days

Complicated Grief vs “Normal” Grief

“Normal” grief (as much as any grief is “normal”):

• Is intensely painful initially
• Gradually eases over time (though it may never disappear completely)
• Allows you to function eventually (even if it’s hard)
• Integrates into your life. You learn to carry it
• Has moments of peace, joy, and connection alongside the sadness

Complicated grief:

• Remains intensely painful indefinitely
• Doesn’t ease significantly over time
• Prevents you from functioning in daily life
• Dominates your existence. You can’t integrate it
• Leaves no room for joy, peace, or connection

Timeline matters:

• If you’re 6 months into grief and struggling intensely → that’s often normal grief
• If you’re 2-3+ years into grief and it’s as overwhelming as day one → that’s potentially complicated grief

Signs You Might Have Complicated Grief

Not sure if your grief is “complicated” or just “really hard normal grief”? Here are key indicators:

1. Time Has Passed But Intensity Hasn’t Decreased

✅ Normal grief: Intensely painful for months, gradually becomes more manageable (though still sad)
❌ Complicated grief: Just as intensely painful 2, 3, 5+ years later as it was initially

Ask yourself: “Is my grief as overwhelming now as it was in the first few months?”

If yes → you might have complicated grief.

2. You Can’t Function in Daily Life

✅ Normal grief: Daily tasks are hard initially but become manageable over time
❌ Complicated grief: You still can’t manage basic tasks months or years later

Examples:

• Can’t go to work or maintain employment
• Can’t care for yourself (hygiene, eating, getting dressed)
• Can’t care for children or dependents adequately
• Can’t maintain relationships
• Can’t leave the house

If grief is preventing basic functioning after 12+ months, that’s complicated grief.

3. You’re “Stuck” in One Part of Grief

✅ Normal grief: You experience various emotions and stages (sadness, anger, acceptance)
❌ Complicated grief: You’re stuck in one emotion indefinitely (usually yearning, anger, or denial)

Examples:

• Constant, intense yearning for the person (can’t think of anything else)
• Unrelenting anger that doesn’t ease
• Denial that won’t lift (refusing to accept they’re really gone)

If you’re “frozen” in one emotional state for years, that’s complicated grief.

4. You Avoid Everything Related to the Loss

✅ Normal grief: Reminders are painful but you gradually face them
❌ Complicated grief: You avoid anything connected to the person or loss entirely

Examples:

• Won’t go to the cemetery ever
• Won’t look at photos
• Won’t say their name
• Avoid places you went together
• Can’t enter their room
• Won’t touch their belongings
• Refuse to talk about them at all

Extreme, prolonged avoidance is a sign of complicated grief.

5. You’re Obsessed With the Person or the Loss

✅ Normal grief: You think about them frequently but can focus on other things
❌ Complicated grief: You think about them constantly, to the exclusion of everything else

Examples:

• Can’t concentrate on anything except the loss
• Every conversation returns to the person
• Spend hours daily at cemetery or reviewing photos/videos
• Can’t think about anything else
• Life has stopped. You exist only in relation to the loss

Obsessive preoccupation that doesn’t decrease is complicated grief.

6. Your Life Has Completely Stopped

✅ Normal grief: Life feels different and you adjust slowly, but you eventually re-engage
❌ Complicated grief: You’ve stopped living entirely, just existing

Examples:

• No goals or plans for the future
• No interest in anything
• Relationships have deteriorated or ended
• You’ve withdrawn from all activities
• You’re just “going through the motions” indefinitely

If your life has been on hold for years, that’s complicated grief.

7. You Have Severe Depression or Suicidal Thoughts

✅ Normal grief: Deep sadness that eventually lifts somewhat
❌ Complicated grief: Clinical depression that persists and worsens

Warning signs:

• Persistent hopelessness
• Suicidal thoughts or plans
• Self-harm
• Feeling life isn’t worth living
• No pleasure in anything (anhedonia)
• Severe sleep/appetite disturbances

If you’re experiencing these, seek immediate professional help.

8. Physical Health Has Deteriorated

✅ Normal grief: Temporary physical symptoms (fatigue, aches)
❌ Complicated grief: Chronic physical illness or decline

Examples:

• Developed chronic conditions
• Immune system weakened (constantly ill)
• Weight loss/gain
• Chronic pain
• Substance abuse to cope

Grief affecting physical health long-term is complicated grief.

Why Complicated Grief Happens

Complicated grief isn’t random. Certain factors increase risk:

1. Nature of the Death

Sudden, unexpected death (accident, heart attack, sudden illness):

• No time to prepare
• Traumatic shock
• “Unfinished business”

Violent or traumatic death (murder, suicide, accident you witnessed):

• Trauma overlays grief
• Intrusive images/memories
• PTSD symptoms

Multiple deaths (losing several people close together):

• Compound grief
• No time to process one before the next
• Overwhelming loss

Death of a child:

• Considered “the worst loss”
• Goes against natural order
• Profound identity disruption

2. Your Relationship With the Person

Intensely close relationship:

• Spouse/partner of many years
• Parent-child bond
• Twin or very close sibling
• Person you depended on completely

Conflicted or ambivalent relationship:

• Unresolved issues
• Complicated feelings (love mixed with anger, relief, guilt)
• No chance to reconcile

Dependent relationship:

• They were your primary support
• You were their caregiver
• Your identity was tied to them

3. Your Personal History

Previous trauma or loss:

• Childhood trauma
• Previous unresolved grief
• History of mental health issues

Attachment style:

• Anxious attachment (fear of abandonment)
• Difficulty with change or loss

Limited coping skills:

• Never learned healthy ways to process grief
• Family didn’t model healthy grieving

4. Lack of Support

Social isolation:

• No close friends or family
• Friends/family dismissed your grief
• Alone in your grief

Disenfranchised grief:

• Relationship not recognised (ex-partner, affair, estranged family)
• Loss minimised (miscarriage, pet, job)

Cultural factors:

• Culture doesn’t support grief expression
• Expected to “be strong” and not show emotion

5. Additional Life Stressors

Compound stress:

• Financial devastation from the loss
• Lost your home
• Single parenting after spouse’s death
• Lost your job
• Health issues

Multiple losses at once:

• Death + divorce
• Death + job loss
• Death + health crisis

My personal experience: I lost my mother to brain cancer, my stepfather 29 days later, left my marriage, lost my business, and faced bankruptcy, all within months.

That’s compound grief. And without professional support, it would have become complicated grief.

Types of Complicated Grief

1. Chronic Grief

Intense grief that persists indefinitely without improvement.

What it looks like:

• Years later, crying daily
• Can’t mention the person without breaking down
• Life hasn’t resumed at all

2. Delayed Grief

Grief that’s suppressed initially and erupts later (sometimes years later).

What it looks like:

• Seemed “fine” initially
• Months or years later, suddenly overwhelmed
• Can be triggered by another loss or life event

3. Exaggerated Grief

Grief so intense it leads to severe psychiatric symptoms.

What it looks like:

• Severe depression or anxiety disorders
• Suicidal behaviour
• Substance abuse
• Self-harm
• Complete breakdown

4. Masked Grief

Grief expressed through physical symptoms or behaviour rather than emotionally.

What it looks like:

• Chronic physical illness
• Risky behaviours
• Workaholism
• Not acknowledging grief but clearly suffering

5. Traumatic Grief

Grief complicated by trauma (violent death, witnessing death, etc.).

What it looks like:

• PTSD symptoms (flashbacks, nightmares, hyper-vigilance)
• Intrusive images of the death
• Panic attacks
• Difficulty feeling safe

The Difference Between Grief and Depression

Complicated grief often looks like depression, but they’re different:

Grief (Even Complicated Grief):

• Focused on the loss and the person
• Sadness is about missing them specifically
• Can have moments of connection or meaning (when remembering them)
• Self-esteem usually intact (though shaken)

Clinical Depression:

• Generalised sadness (about everything)
• Pervasive hopelessness and worthlessness
• No pleasure in anything at all
• Severe self-criticism and low self-worth

Important: Complicated grief can CAUSE depression. They often coexist.

If you have both, you need treatment for both.

What Complicated Grief Feels Like

Let me share what my clients describe:

“It’s been four years and I still can’t breathe. Everyone’s moved on. But I’m frozen on the day he died.”

“I keep expecting her to walk through the door. I can’t accept she’s really gone.”

“I’m so angry all the time. At everyone. I can’t let it go.”

“I function on autopilot. I’m not living, just existing. Nothing matters anymore.”

“I can’t think about anything else. My whole life is this grief.”

“Everyone says I should be ‘over it.’ But I’m worse now than I was a year ago.”

Does any of this sound familiar?

If so, you’re not broken. You have complicated grief. And you need specialist support.

How to Heal from Complicated Grief

Complicated grief requires professional intervention. It rarely resolves on its own.

1. Recognise You Need Help

The first step is acknowledging:

• Your grief is complicated
• You can’t heal alone
• You need specialist support

This isn’t failure. This is courage.

2. Seek Specialist Grief Support

Options:

Grief-focused therapy:

• Complicated Grief Treatment (CGT): Evidence-based therapy specifically for prolonged grief
• Trauma-focused CBT: If trauma is involved
• EMDR: Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing for traumatic grief

Grief coaching (trauma-informed):

• At Love Life Coaching & Events, I use trauma-informed approaches including:
  • NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) to reframe thoughts
  • Hypnotherapy to process deep emotions
  • Timeline Therapy to release stuck emotions
  • Somatic techniques to regulate nervous system

Why specialist support matters:

• General therapists may not understand complicated grief
• You need someone trained specifically in prolonged/traumatic grief
• Standard approaches often don’t work for complicated grief

3. Address Trauma (If Present)

If your grief involves trauma (violent death, witnessing death, sudden shock), the trauma must be addressed separately.

Trauma symptoms:

• Flashbacks or intrusive images
• Nightmares
• Hyper-vigilance (always on edge)
• Panic attacks
• Avoidance of reminders
• Feeling unsafe

Trauma-informed approaches:

• EMDR
• Somatic Experiencing
• Trauma-focused CBT
• Hypnotherapy for trauma
• Nervous system regulation techniques

I’m trained in trauma-informed approaches specifically for this reason.

4. Process Avoided Emotions

With complicated grief, you’re often avoiding feeling the full depth of the pain.

Paradoxically: You have to feel it to heal it.

This means:

• Allowing yourself to cry fully
• Expressing anger safely
• Acknowledging guilt and regret
• Facing fear and vulnerability
• Feeling the loss completely

This is terrifying. But avoiding emotions keeps you stuck.

Professional support helps you do this safely.

5. Challenge Unhelpful Thoughts

Complicated grief often involves thought patterns that keep you stuck:

Unhelpful thoughts:

• “I should have prevented this” (guilt)
• “I can’t live without them” (helplessness)
• “Life is meaningless now” (hopelessness)
• “If I let go of the pain, I’ll forget them” (fear)
• “I don’t deserve to be happy” (punishment)

These thoughts need challenging and reframing.

NLP and CBT are excellent for this.

6. Gradually Re-engage With Life

Complicated grief often means complete withdrawal. Healing involves very gradual re-engagement:

Start small:

• One social activity per week
• One hobby or interest
• One meaningful conversation
• One goal (even tiny)

Don’t expect to suddenly “rejoin life.” Tiny steps matter.

7. Build a Support Network

Isolation worsens complicated grief.

You need:

• A therapist or grief coach
• At least one trusted friend or family member
• Potentially a support group
• People who won’t judge your timeline

Don’t isolate. Connection is healing.

8. Consider Medication (If Needed)

If complicated grief has caused severe depression or anxiety, medication might help:

Common medications:

• Antidepressants (SSRIs)
• Anti-anxiety medication (short-term)

Important:

• Medication treats symptoms, not grief itself
• Use alongside therapy/coaching, not instead of
• Consult your GP or psychiatrist

I’m not anti-medication. Sometimes it’s necessary to stabilise you so you CAN do the grief work.

9. Be Patient With the Process

Complicated grief took time to develop. Healing takes time too.

Realistic timeline:

• Intensive therapy/coaching: 6-12 months minimum
• Significant improvement: 12-24 months
• Full integration: 2-3+ years

This isn’t fast. But it’s worth it.

What Trauma-Informed Grief Coaching Looks Like

At Love Life Coaching & Events, I use a trauma-informed approach for complicated grief:

What “Trauma-Informed” Means:

Understanding that:

• Grief can be traumatic
• Your nervous system is dysregulated
• Traditional talk therapy might not be enough
• The body holds grief and trauma
• Safety and trust are essential

My Approach Includes:

1. Nervous System Regulation

• Breathing techniques
• Grounding exercises
• Somatic practices
• Vagus nerve toning

2. NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming)

• Reframing unhelpful thoughts
• Releasing limiting beliefs
• Changing emotional patterns
• Creating new neural pathways

3. Hypnotherapy

• Accessing the subconscious mind
• Processing deep emotions safely
• Releasing stuck grief
• Installing helpful resources

4. Timeline Therapy

• Releasing emotions from the past
• Processing unfinished business
• Letting go of guilt and anger
• Moving forward with peace

5. Somatic Techniques

• Body-based grief release
• Tension release exercises
• Movement and breathwork
• Physical expression of grief

6. Gradual Exposure

• Safely facing avoided reminders
• Processing traumatic memories
• Integrating the loss
• Building resilience

Why this works:

• Addresses both mind AND body
• Goes deeper than talk therapy alone
• Releases emotions that are “stuck”
• Regulates your nervous system
• Gives you tools to cope

When to Seek Immediate Help

Seek emergency help if you experience:

• Suicidal thoughts or plans → Call 999 or Samaritans 116 123
• Thoughts of harming yourself → Go to A&E
• Complete inability to function → Contact your GP immediately
• Psychotic symptoms (hearing voices, delusions) → Emergency mental health services
• Severe substance abuse → Addiction services + mental health support

Crisis resources:

• Samaritans: 116 123 (24/7)
• NHS Mental Health Crisis: 0800 915 9292
• Shout Crisis Text Line: Text SHOUT to 85258
• Your GP: Can refer to urgent mental health services

Complicated grief is serious. Don’t wait until crisis point.

The Difference Professional Support Makes

Let me share what’s possible with the right help:

Before support:

• Can’t function
• Life on hold
• Overwhelming pain
• Stuck and hopeless
• Isolated and alone

With specialist support:

• Gradually function again
• Begin re-engaging with life
• Pain becomes manageable
• Movement and progress
• Supported and understood

You won’t “get over” the loss. But you can learn to:

• Carry grief whilst also living
• Function in daily life
• Experience joy again
• Build meaningful connections
• Find purpose and meaning
• Honour them whilst moving forward

This is possible. I’ve witnessed it countless times.

You’re Not Broken. You Need Support

If you recognise yourself in this article, please hear this:

You’re not weak.
You’re not broken.
You’re not “doing grief wrong.”
You have complicated grief, a recognised condition that needs specialist support.

And with the right help, you can heal.

Get Specialist Support for Complicated Grief

If your grief has become overwhelming, prolonged, or debilitating, I can help.

At Love Life Coaching & Events in Sutton Coldfield, I specialise in:

• Complicated and prolonged grief
• Traumatic grief (sudden, violent, or witnessed death)
• Grief complicated by trauma or PTSD
• Stuck grief that won’t ease
• Multiple losses and compound grief
• Trauma-informed approaches including NLP, hypnotherapy, and somatic techniques

I work with people who’ve tried other things without success. I understand that complicated grief requires specialist support, not just “time to heal.”

Contact me:

📞 Call or text: 0121 387 3727
🌐 Visit: www.lovelifecoaching-events.co.uk
📧 Email: lucy@lovelifecoaching-events.co.uk
📍 Clinic: The Vesey, Private Hospital, Unit 3, Reddicap Trading Estate, Sutton Coldfield, B75 7BH

Serving Birmingham, Sutton Coldfield, Four Oaks, Boldmere, and the West Midlands. Online sessions available UK-wide.

You’ve been stuck long enough. Let me help you heal.

Frequently Asked Questions

How long is “too long” to grieve before it’s complicated?
There’s no strict timeline, but if intense grief continues beyond 12 months without improvement and significantly impairs functioning, it may be complicated grief requiring professional support.

Can complicated grief develop years after the death?
Yes. Delayed grief can emerge months or years later, sometimes triggered by another loss or life event. This can become complicated grief if it’s severe and prolonged.

Is complicated grief the same as depression?
No, but they often coexist. Complicated grief is focused on the loss and the person, while depression is more generalised. Both require treatment, sometimes differently.

Will therapy make me “forget” my loved one?
Absolutely not. Grief therapy helps you carry the loss whilst also living. You’ll always remember them. Therapy just helps you function alongside the grief.

I’ve been to therapy and it didn’t help. What now?
Standard therapy isn’t always effective for complicated grief. You may need specialist approaches like Complicated Grief Treatment, EMDR, or trauma-informed coaching with techniques like NLP and hypnotherapy.

Can medication help complicated grief?
Medication can help with severe depression or anxiety caused by grief, making it easier to engage in therapy. But medication alone won’t resolve complicated grief. Therapeutic work is essential.

About the Author

Lucy Cole is the founder of Love Life Coaching & Events and an award-winning Grief Coach (Prestige Awards 2024/25 – Central England) based in Sutton Coldfield, Birmingham.

Lucy specialises in complicated, prolonged, and traumatic grief using trauma-informed approaches. Having experienced compound grief herself (mother’s death, stepfather’s death, divorce, business failure, and bankruptcy all within a short period), she understands how grief can become overwhelming and require specialist support.

Lucy is trained in Complicated Grief Treatment approaches and uses advanced techniques including NLP, hypnotherapy, Timeline Therapy, and somatic practices to help clients who are stuck in grief, experiencing traumatic grief, or whose grief has become debilitating.

Qualifications: Grief Recovery Specialist | Master NLP & Hypnotherapy Practitioner | Personal Evolutionary Coach | Life, Health & Emotional Health Coaching | CBT Practitioner | Trauma-Informed Coach (in training)

Lucy launched Love Life Coaching & Events in 2020 specifically to support people with complex grief who need more than standard counselling.